Kung Fu Panda
by Sandataba
Summary: "I assure you Hokage-sama, I am NOT the Dragon Warrior, no matter what Gai's crazy turtle says!" Tenten is the chosen one. Both she and Neji vehemently object. Alternate histories, universe-bending realities, and one teashop girl, standing in front of a homicidal fate-obsessed boy, just asking him not to kill her. Tenten x Evil!Neji. Quite the AU
1. Enter the Unwilling Dragon

**_D:_**_ Jack Black made me do it._

* * *

**_Kung Fu Panda_**

* * *

Tenten woke up.

She yawned. Stretched. Got ready for work.

It wasn't everyday she woke up in such a good mood. But today was special. Today, she was learning the secret ingredient to the famous Soup Number Five of Lecheng Teahouse.

"Skibidi bee bop, skibidi do," she dodged a cleaver flung at her by the shop owner, "Dad! I keep telling you, scat-singing is a perfectly respectable musical vocal form!"

"Quit it with the gibberish and just wipe down the tables, young lady," her father grunted, not even looking behind him as she threw back the knife, catching it between his upraised index and middle fingers. "You'll scare away the customers, make them think you're retarded."

"Yes master," Tenten hunched over and pretended to limp from table to table, using a wax-on wax-off circular motion with the dishrag, "I hear and obey."

Her father threw a paring knife at her.

The regular customers of the well-known noodle shop were met with the familiar sight of the walls and furniture embedded with various kitchen implements and the daughter-father tandem in earnest battle.

"Special Soup Number Five please!"

"Coming right up! Just pull out that fork from the chair and make yourself comfy!" Tenten called.

She had a good feeling about today.

* * *

It was mid-afternoon, and Tenten was cursing anyone who would choose to live at the very top of a mountain and order dimsum and dumplings with noodle soup (the special, of course) for delivery right when the sun was blazing at its hottest. Then again, she couldn't blame people for loving her dad's cooking. Panting, she deposited the boxes she was carrying on the ground, wiping the sweat off her forehead.

"Yoohoo!" she called at the closed doors of an immense compound. From within, she could hear some sort of ruckus, similar to the uproarious cheering from a crowd of martial arts enthusiasts. But not quite.

"I said- YOO-WHOA!" she was nearly blasted away by the force with which the doors were flung open. Then she was attacked.

"Dimsum!"

"Dumplings!"

"Soup!"

"Number Five!"

Tenten screamed, grabbing the wooden pole she used to balance the boxes suspended on either end for ease of carriage on her shoulders, and prepared to defend her delivery, "I'm under orders to deliver this directly to the Hokage! Stay back!" she waved the stick threateningly at the ravenous hordes.

Who were only made up of two kids her age, apparently. They were salivating worth a dozen though.

"You think that can stop us? We want food, and we want it now!" a pale boy with yellow eyes hissed at her. He looked to be wearing a large rope around his waist, the thick, heavy-duty kind used to fasten ships to port. Tied in a bow behind him. Tenten's jaw dropped.

"We're kung fu masters, girl, don't even try to resist," a good-looking boy with spiky hair and strangely-patterned red-black eyes growled at her.

"Just give them the yumyums," the Hokage's voice said tiredly from somewhere beyond the gates. "I wouldn't want them to beat up another delivery person, we can't get a decent pizza anymore."

Tenten lowered her weapon, face blank. She already knew this wasn't going to be a good tip.

"Come inside, young lady. I'm sure you'd like to rest a while after that climb."

Resigned, she allowed the two boys to ransack the food items and hurry inside. Keeping firm hold of the wooden pole, she followed them.

The doors shut rather ominously behind her.

* * *

"So you've held this tournament every year, for the past three years, in order to determine who is worthy of receiving this ultra-powerful dragon scroll and will henceforth be called the Dragon Warrior," Tenten tried to sound as interested as possible as she poured tea for the Hokage. She wasn't really interested. She also wasn't really happy about how she had been roped into unboxing, preparing, and serving the meal for them as if they were dining in at the teahouse. Her dad had told her to make a good first impression though.

The Hokage sighed, nodded. "Time is of the essence. I had a bad dream last night."

Tenten pursed her lips, trying not to remark that bad dreams could sometimes be caused by heavy drinking. The woman before her was very young and beautiful, not to mention powerful, but something told Tenten that she preferred bars to teahouses. She poured more calming tea for the hung-over Hokage.

"What was it about?" she urged solicitously. She ignored the looks the two boys with strange eyes were shooting her, that conveyed that they knew very well she was just humoring the old bat. They were slurping the noodles most heartily, and that was all she cared to know.

"The escape from captivity by a dangerous ninja, my former student, Neji, who seeks the secrets of the Dragon Scroll," a voice right behind her startled Tenten into dropping the teapot, but Tenten caught it with the tip of her foot before it hit the floor with the deftness of long practice and trauma from many a scalding. She spun to meet the bushiest eyebrows she had ever seen.

"Say," she began, then shut her mouth. She was about to comment that his haircut looked the exact size and shape as one of their jampong soup bowls but had been beaten too many times by a stern paternal figure to let loose more than five tactless statements in one day.

"Say what?" the tall green man asked her gravely.

"What?"

"No, you say what."

"I did."

"What?"

"Yes," she smiled at him. He smiled back, uncertain but charmed.

"What do you think, Nin-kame?" he seemed to throw the question to someone over his shoulder.

"She is the one. The Dragon Warrior." The heavy voice declared from the shadows.

Chopsticks and bowls clattered to the floor as the place erupted into chaos.

* * *

_A/N: Well, that's the last time I let sudden inspiration inspire me. I'm not saying Tenten's a fat panda, but I did like the message of that movie, y'know, how an ordinary girl with nothing outstanding about her could become the strongest warrior by simply believing that she's special. Wait. I mean, panda. And now that I've started the ball rolling, I think you can all see the parallelisms as well as I can. So is this something I should continue? It'll end fluffily, if I do. I don't plan to have Tenten sit on Neji though. Or **maybe **she should. Yeah..._


	2. A little night of gossip

A strange miniature version of Gai led Tenten to her designated room after her pleas and threats to be allowed to return home had fallen on deaf ears.

"Sleep well, o youthful Dragon Warrior blossom!" he gave her a thumbs up, which she weakly returned. What was his name? Vee? Whee? Gee? Monkey? Tenten gave up, slumping down against the wall and sighing.

Gai had chased her around all afternoon through a room full of torture devices straight out of hell. Training, he called it. She was completely battered, bruised, and blinded by green by the time they were done.

Her father had been no help, sending word that he had absolutely no problem leaving her in the benevolent care of the Hokage.

"He said, and I quote, un, 'Forgive my useless daughter in advance, she is clumsy and likely to break many objects'," the blonde kung fu master of flight, who traveled via clay crane, grinned at the Hokage.

"You see? I'm useless! And clumsy! Not a Dragon Warrior in any way!" Tenten interposed, setting aside plans of parricide for when she got back to the teahouse. She had to get away from here first.

The Hokage nodded wisely. They waited for her to speak.

A soft snore was heard.

They crept away as the hung over woman continued to drift further into slumber, head bobbing lower till it finally rested on the table.

* * *

Tenten impatiently waited for the shadows to lengthen over the valley and for everyone to finally turn in. She knew how it was with kung fu masters, early to bed, early to rise. Not at all like teahouse workers, who stayed up late cleaning and polishing and unable to close shop for the sake of some poor souls who found solace and comfort in a hot meal and a clean, well-lighted place. At least teahouses provided a necessary service and filled a very humane need. What did martial artists do? Her lip curled derisively.

_Creeeak…_

_Creeeak..._

Kung fu masters were also lousy carpenters, Tenten discovered as every floor board she stepped on as she tried to sidle her way outside the sleeping quarters screamed bloody murder at the slightest weight from her feet.

A paper-paneled door slid open with a swift 'hiss' and she was face to face with yellow slit eyes.

"I can hear you breathe," the long-haired boy told her irritably.

"I saw a film where hypersensitivity to sound was also a problem for the main character and his clone nemesis." Tenten offered, "It was a congenital defect called Shalaft's Syndrome. But that was a fictional health disorder, so I think you should have a check..-urk-"

Another door slid open and Sasuke's bored voice was heard, "Don't go asphyxiating the useless Dragon Warrior now, Orochimaru."

"She's mouthy," the pale boy murmured, keeping his grip on Tenten's throat as he slowly lifted her off the floor.

"Let's get some air." Sasuke took hold of one arm and Orochimaru shifted his hold to her other arm. Tenten wheezed as they carried her suspended between them, feet moving noiselessly over the smooth polished wood.

So close.

Outside, in the garden, Tenten looked longingly at the shut gate and high fortress-like wall. If only there were a ladder somewhere. She might have been able to scale it on her own without any help earlier this morning, but Gai's training took a lot out of a person. How she felt at the moment was comparable to when she and her dad had joined the Metal Chef Cooking Battle with the ramen house down the street.

Ugh. Ramen. She sniffed. What a dreadful, contemptible dish.

She turned back to the two boys, who seemed to be the legendary universal masters of smirking, since they did it so well and so flawlessly. The way they were doing right now.

"We know you aren't really the Dragon Warrior," Sasuke said.

_No duh_, Tenten mouthed, since her larynx was still too swollen to talk.

"You are suitable bait, however," Orochimaru intoned. Tenten gawped at the seamless interplay of thought between the two, seeing an uncanny Tweedledee and Tweedledum resemblance now, if the Tweedles had been devastatingly handsome, if creepy, twins.

"Sasuke is here to challenge Neji," Orochimaru directed a disturbingly fond look at the shorter-haired boy, "Nin-kame's predictions are never wrong. It's a matter of time before Neji returns for the Scroll, and the question of which is the superior doujutsu, Sharingan or Byakugan, will finally be answered."

_And you_? Tenten inclined her head at him.

"I will take the body of whoever loses," Orochimaru smiled snakily. "I shed bodies due to, as you say, a congenital disorder, and they deteriorate rather quickly with use. I look forward to inhabiting a young, virile one again in the future."

Tenten had met stranger customers, and didn't let the weirdness of that answer faze her. She did direct another wondering look at Sasuke, who merely leveled a toned-down smirk at her. They didn't seem to have a very high opinion of Neji, who was known far and wide as the terror of the Five Lands. Even so, Tenten thought it was a pretty sour deal, breaking out of prison just to have some guy beat you up and another slither his way into your body.

She wondered if this Neji was the same one she'd met when she was still a little —nah. Couldn't be.

"Why are they telling you this?" a dark tone asked, "Because you are currently voiceless, without any real fighting skill and could do nothing to stop them anyway."

Tenten blinked at the praying mantis perched atop a decorative boulder from where the voice had emanated. She'd heard of the fifth kung fu master, the bug warrior or something. Fancy that, he was an actual insect!

She bowed to the mantis in respectful greeting.

The Tweedles turned away, snickering and hissing, leaving her alone without even bidding her goodnight.

"I'm over here."

Tenten saw the boy standing beside the rock, and reddened a bit in embarrassment.

"Why do I wear sunglasses even at night? Because it makes me cool."

Tenten threw her hands up. The teahouse customers were definitely normal compared to these people.


	3. The Terror of the Five Lands

Tenten hummed. In her mind, because her throat was still sore and she had no voice to speak of. Or with.

She scooped a teaspoonful of ground meat into the pocket-shaped dough, placed a chunk of semi-frozen broth inside, carefully pressed the seams together, and began to steam the dumplings.

"What's that, un?"

Tenten smiled at Deidara, of whom she now had detailed knowledge from Shino. She'd learned quite a lot about the temple and its inhabitants last night. Shino had carried the entire conversation with his reverse Jeopardy style of talking without Tenten ever having to say a word, merely nodding at appropriate moments and blinking once in a while. Her father was right, silence is golden. She'd never been able to really try it out before, but having your vocal cords nearly crushed by a kung fu master had many unintended benefits.

_Dumplings_, she tried to mouth.

"Humping?" He looked incredulous. "I barely know you, un."

She scowled at him. Placing her finger on the leftover flour on the table, she traced the kanji for the proper word.

"Oh," he grinned, "Dumplings. What kind?"

'_Soup buns._'

"Your specialty, I bet," he kidded, winking at her hairstyle. She rolled her eyes.

"Well, are they any good?" he asked, with a hungry look. "I wasn't able to taste the ones you delivered yesterday."

In a minute she'd placed some onto a plate and presented them to him. _Careful, hot._

Deidara bit into one, and the steaming broth spilled into his mouth.

"Good gods!"

The kung fu masters of the Snake style, Tiger style, Mantis style and Hard Work with the Springtime of Youth style tumbled into the kitchen, all fighting postures represented. "What? Are we under attack?" Sasuke demanded.

The blonde was groaning on the table, a look of utter ecstasy on his face. "I've died. I've died and gone to heaven." He waved vaguely towards the smug looking cook with flour on her nose, "You _have_ to try her buns."

The four boys blinked.

Orochimaru looked up, Sasuke down, Lee went cross-eyed and Shino looked away. Tenten wished she could scream. She didn't know what part of her body to cover.

"_Soup_ buns, yeah." Deidara laughed, reaching for another one.

* * *

_-The secret of limitless power.-_

A pit, caliginous and foul, lay deep within an isolated tower on an rugged island bounded by sharp cliffs and sunken crags. Vaporous emissions reeked and wreathed the lower levels of the pit, blurring the vision and choking the nasal passages. Tenebrous gloom permeated every corner of the dark, dank, subterranean cavity, its gruesome atmosphere a fitting catacomb for the dregs of society. Pretty descriptions of the jail as a "correctional facility" and a "rehabilitation institution" died on one's lips at the sight of the tower, and no visitors came to this place, in name a prison, but in reality a charnel house where irredeemable convicts were sent to suffer, rot, and die.

The other criminals were locked in cells along the walls of the tower, their location on the tiers descending in correspondence to the gravity of their crimes. In the very bottom of the pit, accessible only by a drawbridge that spanned a chasm of immeasurable depth, a solitary prisoner lay bound with chains and chakra inhibitors .

_-The secret-_

"Good morning, Neji."

The guard approached, cautious as always, but courteous. "We'll release your restraints now, for the regular routine. Please look at me."

_-of limitless-_

Shisui would never let on how difficult it was to meet those glowing eyes each time he had to bring the prisoner under control. Instead of strengthening his hold over the Hyuuga as the years passed, he felt a strange unease increasing on a nearly daily basis now at how those blank, pupil-less eyes grew emptier and the mind within seemed to feel darker as time progressed.

Guarding the most dangerous criminal in the Five Lands was a great strain on his abilities, but he was one of the very few who could counteract the power of the last remaining Hyuuga.

When he gave the signal, the other attendants swiftly unshackled the prisoner, and drew back to a prudent distance.

He was young, Shisui thought wistfully. Barely older than that little upstart tadpole Sasuke, who was now training under the Hokage and had gained the title of one of the five kung fu masters of Konoha. Shisui was not as versatile nor skilled a fighter as his young Uchiha clansman, but his ability with the Sharingan lent him the competence to be an effective and efficient warden over another doujutsu user.

The inmate straightened slowly, hair dripping over his shoulders like a stygian stream, its hue melding into the surrounding darkness. The dull gray of his prison-issue clothes contrasted with the paleness of his skin, and the other guards looked away from the his eyes, which gleamed with a brilliance that was almost a flame.

"Thank you, Shisui."

Neji stretched out one hand, and a bowl of gruel was given to him. He eased himself onto the grimy floor and began to eat.

Shisui never included that little bit of courtesy in his manipulation, that would be hypocritical, but it was a conscious allowance on his part, giving the Hyuuga freedom to speak, while restricting his movements to only those permitted by the Sharingan. Neji never said anything else though, and it had made his warden begin to question the truth of the atrocity this youngster had supposedly committed.

The attempt to take the Dragon Scroll was a crime, of course, but many thieves had attempted this in the past, and were likewise meted punishment, but it was a light sentence in general. The crime compounded, however, by the murder of one's kin, and an attempt upon the life of the Hokage, was an abomination that merited death. Only the intercession of Neji's sensei had commuted his sentence to lifetime imprisonment. And now, Shisui had his doubts if Neji was even capable of the crimes for which he'd been convicted. The boy was so young, and so docile...

_-Power- _

Chakra burst in an explosion throughout the pit, flinging all the guards past the ledge and into the limitless chasm.

Shisui grabbed the ridge of rock in time, pain exploding in his head at the sudden, vicious, _ripping _of his control over the prisoner's mind away from his grasp.

Eyes tearing badly, he realized his vision was nearly gone, as he scrabbled for a firmer hold to pull himself up.

A shadow fell over him, darker than the murky shades already extant. He squinted at the blurred human shape hunching to squat down before him. Ebony water seemed to trickle down the figure's body. And then, two glittering stars shone in the darkness.

"Thank you Shisui. It took a while, but the Byakugan finally saw through your little eye trick."

* * *

.

.

.

_A/N: Yeah, who idolizes Tai Lung? We do!_


	4. Snow and Ceramics

Maito Gai took Tenten to the Pool of Eternal Tears the next morning for training. Among the things she had learned from Shino was that Gai and Lee had filled up that pool all by themselves, with actual tears. Armed with the knowledge, she brought her own water for tea.

"I notice, Tenten," Gai began, as he watched her set up a place for them to rest and have a spot of refreshment after the hard trek up the mountain, "That when you try to do serious kung fu – you suck."

Tenten was not offended. She liked where this was going, and smiled to herself as she poured steaming water into the pot. It was clear that Gai was going to give up on her, and she could go back to her beloved noodles, her beloved dimsum, and her father who she would hold in loving memory if he would just hurry up and die and leave the teashop to her already. She loved her father, of course, but he believed in the school of thought of not sparing the rod. Or the belt. Or the slipper. When she had gotten older, it had advanced to various kitchen implements. All in all though, Tenten had had a happy childhood.

They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes to allow the tea to steep, then Tenten graciously handed her soon-to-be ex-mentor a teacup and bent to pour hot liquid into it.

Gai dropped the cup and slapped the teapot out of her hands.

Emitting a sound like a strangled elf, Tenten lunged for the pot and snagged it by the handle, extending herself so high she ended up tiptoeing on one foot. At the same time she kicked out her other leg behind her and caught the falling cup with the underside of her arch, correcting the vessel's position neatly to catch all the liquid and balance upright again.

Student and teacher looked at each other, eyes blazing, one in a Nice Guy pose, the other in a position that might have been choreographed for Swan Lake. With tea.

"Your teahouse," Gai grinned at her, not entirely pleasantly, "completely loses to the ramen place at the other side of town."

Furious, Tenten told him in no uncertain terms that there was no way her family's restaurant would ever, EVER lose to a small-time ramen shop. Her throat hadn't recovered fully yet, so the words came out as a series of indignant-sounding squeaks.

"What's that? I can't hear you." It was true, but it didn't mean he wasn't mocking her. "I can only hear the un-youthful sound of falling ceramics." He kicked the teacup far away and watched her race after it with a shriek, further abusing her vocal cords. Already he saw a marked difference in her movements and speed from when she had been unwillingly sparring with the five other kung fu masters yesterday.

Tenten could not believe how utterly rude and uncouth martial artists were! She caught the flying cup, springing from one rock to another to avoid falling into the pool. She'd accidentally fallen into other bodies of water before in her life, and if those incidents had been unpleasant, what more a pool of undiluted salty eye fluids.

Cradling the cup close to her chest, she examined it for cracks. It wasn't expensive, but it was precious to her for sentimental reasons. She glared at Gai, who was giving a huge thumbs up and a blinding smile. Then he went to her hiking pack and began tossing out her cooking ware over the cliff.

Tenten realized she wouldn't have any voice left again today, she was yelling so hard at the stupid green man to stop touching her stuff as she ran to defend her property.

* * *

Swirling clouds obscured the peaks of the mountain range, an orogenic belt topped with perilous glaciers and icy rivers flowing into unexpected rifts near the crest, with water tumbling sediment into the surrounding lowlands hidden beneath the clouds, the massif rising ever higher and growing broader as the continents continued their inexorable collision, the slow but relentless movement of the earth's crust thrust faulting rocks in chaotic and fantastical shapes that lunged and clawed at the sky.

In the flurries of mist, only the sharpest of eyes could see the barely visible figure cloaked in gray, trudging tirelessly and, it seemed, effortlessly, across the dangerous alp. Unerringly, Neji walked towards Konoha, to claim the scroll that was rightfully his.

The clay crane dipped slowly to give its rider a clearer view of his target through the fog. It cast no shadow to alert Neji, the clouds working favourably to disperse what light there was into blurry nothingness.

Wheeling low enough to scoop snow from the mountain side, Deidara gleefully packed a snowbomb in his hand, a spur-of-the-moment innovation he had artistically conjured, inspired by the surrounding panorama. Flitting silently, never too close, and always in the direction of the wind so as not to disrupt the current, the fair-haired boy assessed the opponent. So this was the Terror of the Five Lands.

Deidara found him lacking in artistry and good taste. It was impressive, though, how far Neji had travelled on foot from the prison, considering he had been shackled for three years without any chance of training or conditioning. Deidara surmised that must have been some exceptionally good gruel they served in the slammer.

_Nothing as good as what Tenten serves, un. That girl's true calling is in cooking, not martial arts. _He thought to himself, completely un-sexist. He ought to know, being rather deft in the culinary department himself, and appreciative of art in many forms.

For a phantom of walking doom and destruction, Neji didn't seem very alert. Deidara hovered a second or two longer, deliberating whether he should do the sporting thing and hail his opponent before engaging in battle, since he was on the side of good and a defender of the Land of Fire and all that.

A hazy patch of condensation fleetingly obfuscated his view, paradoxically enhancing the feeling of suffocation Deidara already battled from the too-thin atmosphere. The scope on his left eye focused to compensate. Too late.

"_Where did he-' _the thought was dismembered, together with both arms, as Neji crashed down on the clay avian from a hitherto unseen spire of rock that was wreathed in vapour and ice. The bomb tumbled from the nerveless fingers onto the mountain, where the sound of its detonation was muted by the surrounding snow. The tremors upon the ground did not end, however, but continued and began to increase as the violent stress on the already overburdened snowpack triggered roiling avalanches both local and remote, magnifying the noise of the explosion into a continuous, endless roar.

Muffled curses at the 'idiot crane boy!' hissed out from the tumbling barrage as the other kung fu masters scrambled away from the disaster. Their plan to ambush Neji now thwarted, they regrouped, straining their senses and not-insignificant abilities searching for the escaped prisoner, but even Sasuke could find nothing. He had vanished.

Then, they were blown off the mountain by a blast of chakra, nerve points simultaneously paralysed. Their only glimpse of the assailant before the attack was a flash of silvery eyes in a ghostly face, framed by dark strands flecked with snow.

Freezing mountain fog writhed and coiled around Neji as he stood upon the precipice, watching their descent. He had deigned to tell Shisui that long exposure to the Sharingan had allowed him ample opportunity to divine its weaknesses. What he had not bothered to narrate was his slow, imperceptible deflection of the restraining genjutsu over the years and gradual delving into the Uchiha's mind to obtain information on the goings-on in the outside world, including the skills and flaws of the five kung fu masters.

The one who would be Dragon Warrior turned away from the crag, and was enveloped once again in the impenetrable mist.


	5. Tenten receives the Dragon Scroll!

There was a peach tree on top of a hill overlooking the village of Konoha, or the Valley of Peace, whichever you preferred to call it. Underneath the tree, an old tortoise sat and contemplated life, the universe, and everything.

Tenten raggedly clambered up to the top, trying and failing to catch her own breath. She was about to do something drastic, and if it didn't work she could very well be sent to the Prison of No Return, together with the evil villain Neji, but she had reached her limit on training. No more Ms. Nice Noodle Girl.

"Ah, Dragon Warrior," Nin-Kame greeted in his benign manner. The girl closed her eyes briefly to pray for strength as she shook her head for the nth time to deny the title.

"A peach seed will always grow up to be a peach tree," the tortoise intoned wisely, "Whether you like it or not, you were destined to be the Dragon Warrior."

'_It won't turn into a peach tree if you turn the peach seed and its peelings into peach pit jelly_,' she wanted to retort. '_The pits also have medicinal properties and can be used as an expectorant and help relieve chest pains and spasms and why are you comparing me to a fruit anyway!'_

It was a good thing she still had no voice. Her mood would not allow for anything other than expletives at this point.

Tenten schooled her features into a pleasant mask. Years of dealing with unsavory customers had given her much practice, and her eyebrow did not twitch at all.

"Honored Master," she bowed and presented a bundle wrapped in lotus leaves, "I thought you might be hungry," she spoke in a whisper, mainly sounded through the exhalation of air.

The tortoise took the offering, delight evident on his face, "ah! Machang! Also known as Lo Mai Gai!"

"Did somebody call my name?" boomed a voice from behind as Tenten's spirits sank rapidly.

"Look, the Dragon Warrior has prepared my favorite food, Gai! Come share this with me!"

"How wonderful!"

Tenten watched in horror, unable to stop the disaster as the two kung fu teachers unwrapped the glutinous rice chock full of garlic, sausages, chicken and mushrooms, exclaiming loudly in appreciation of the aroma and anticipated flavour of the fine blending of rice wine with light and dark soy sauce. She hadn't meant for a non-tortoise to be involved in this.

Poof!

Two bites into the machang, and both victims had swallowed the sticky kernels with the special scribbles etched into them to return summoned tortoises to their far off and mystical homeland. Tenten dove forward with her sealing scroll, catching the rice dumpling and neatly re-sealing it back into the paper.

She lay where she was for a while, arms outstretched, face down on the ground, almost unable to believe that her plan had been a success. She didn't know how but Gai appeared to have been sucked into Nin-Kame's land together with the tortoise. Her summoning techniques were more effective than she thought.

Silently, her shoulders began to shake. Tenten pushed herself off the ground, laughing soundlessly in relief and pure joy. Originally she had thought getting rid of the false prophecy-spouting reptile would give her the opportunity to persuade the rest of the kung fu fighters to doubt his certainty, and eventually convince them that she was just an aberration in the natural course of destiny, and that some other bun-haired girl would eventually show up and prove the prophecy true. It had turned out even better than she hoped, though, since Gai was the most fervent believer in Nin-Kame's prophecies.

With an voiceless whoop! Tenten sprang up with new energy, and ran back to the dojo to pack her stuff. She was sure everyone would be glad to see her go.

* * *

She searched the training grounds, the living quarters, even the bathhouse, but the Fearsome Five were nowhere to be found.

It could be said that she had other, less than noble, reasons for looking in the last location where five guys with nicely-sculpted bodies regularly got naked. Tenten was, after all, a highly complex and multi-layered character with many nuances to her personality and psyche, as the manga so obviously portrays her. She was entitled to have ulterior motives to her actions.

Her suspicions were confirmed with the search—the boys' bathing facilities were much more lavish than her measly shed with a drippy roof and a leaky tub. The Hokage's spa-like accommodations were shamelessly opulent as well. A disciplined and austere martial arts life, her foot.

She was so mad at her discovery that she considered leaving without saying goodbye, but then her father would want to know why the potential clients at the top of the hill weren't going to be repeat customers. Tenten had to at least ask to be paid for the cost of delivery.

Stomping into the main hall, which she had saved for last, she was greeted only with vast empty space. The large pillars on either side of the hall cast long shadows along the marbled floor as sunlight streamed from the openings near the ceiling, letting in air and brightness. At the end of the great room was a pretty pool of water, tranquil and clear. She walked slowly towards it, crossing the great expanse of the hall, half expecting Orochimaru to jump out from behind one of the columns hissing "Boo!" or Sasuke going "Che!" or Shino, asking a rhetorical question of some sort which he himself would answer without prompting. Lee would just come out and kick her, most probably, with dynamism and youth.

None of this happened though. She reached the end of the hall unmolested (not that they had ever molested her, but the way their eyes rolled up in ecstasy sometimes when they ate her cooking put strange ideas in Tenten's head). She decided to explore the other rooms beyond the pool. Eventually she came to a large chamber full of scrolls, numbering in the hundreds, perhaps even a thousand. Tenten sifted through a few, scanning various tenets on kung fu and assorted treatises on the forms and foundations of the martial arts. It was beyond her why they didn't seal the numerous scrolls into one scroll to save on storage capacity, but looking around, she gathered that there was no want for space.

With an air of nonchalance, she replaced the scrolls in their niches, and if an extra scroll containing a sealed rice dumpling was somehow mixed in with the Thousand Scrolls of Kung Fu, she had no idea how it got there.

Returning to the main hall, she took one more look around for any clue of the whereabouts of the resident martial artists. She found, on second sweep, a note on the large wooden table where she had served her first meal of many for the martial artists, which said that the Hokage was off on a quest to find the very best liquor in the world, after having tasted a tribute to it brought by a wandering minstrel named Jiraiya. Tenten had no idea what was up with that, and how a person willing to go gallivanting around in search of good wine was even considered for the position of Hokage. But the note was the only concrete evidence at least partially explaining why the entire area was so deserted.

She sighed. Tenten had a feeling Gai held all the purse strings and was her only hope of repayment for the food they had ordered for delivery, but she wasn't about to summon him back and risk him breaking her teapot again. It looked like she was going to have her pay, such as it was, docked yet again by her extremely strict boss-father.

Sulkily, the solitary bun-haired non-martial artist paced slowly around the edge of the pool, pondering on how life was not fair and people were unreasonable and mean and her father was the most unreasonable and meanest of them all. Why, sometimes she doubted she was even his real daughter!

She noticed as she rounded the pool once more that it looked cool and serene, and seemed to glimmer with an almost metallic sheen to its unmarred perfection. It reflected her watery image in a way that did not make her look fat. Tenten decided she liked this pool, despite her general distaste for large bodies of cold water. She leaned further over the mirror-like surface, making decidedly un-Dragon Warrior like faces to amuse herself.

A strong gust of wind whooshed through the open windows. Tenten barely had the time to register that something from the ceiling had been dislodged from its precarious perch directly above the pool, before it conked her on the head.

There was a splash, and Tenten reconsidered her opinion of the Pool of Serenity. She liked it about as much as anything else in this lousy place. Which was to say, not at all.

* * *

"Come on, you guys! How am I supposed to pick up my own arms, un?"

"There's no point lugging around your dismembered limbs, the extra weight will only slow us down. We have to catch up with the Hyuuga," Sasuke said crossly, still squinting from where Neji had poked him in the eyes. His Sharingan was all out of sorts and instead of being able to see jutsus he could only see the little squiggly things that appear when you close your eyes.

"I know a guy who can fix my arms okay-un? We just need to pack them in snow to prevent rotting and I'll be good to go, un." One bodiless arm was already stuck improbably behind Deidara through his loosened belt. The finger joints having frozen mid-jutsu, his hand looked a little like it was making the 'victory!' sign as it waved from the back of his head, with the effect of giving him devil's horns.

Deidara found the other arm with his scope lying some distance away and urged them with some frantic head movements and more pleas to help him pick it up. Only Lee stood up with a groan to totter toward him. The youthful kung fu master had sparred many a time with Neji back in the day, and coped more quickly with the effects of his nerve attack.

"Un, un, that's all you ever say," Orochimaru hissed nastily, not rising from where he had made an involuntary snow angel on the ground, since his arms and legs could only move in spastic back and forth motions, "Is that some sort of verbal tic that therapy couldn't cure? Neji would have done better cutting out your tongue."

"Let us all calm down. Night is falling and all of us must stay together. Why?" Shino struggled up the slope from where his kikkai had found it great fun to roll him further down the mountain, thinking the avalanche was a winter wonderland ride similar to the ones found in a resort he had secretly visited last year, telling the others he was "ki training". No one had been fooled as he had brought skis in his travelling pack.

There was an ominous silence wherein the others processed that Shino had not answered his own question, as was his wont.

"Why indeed?" Deidara puzzled, careful about his speech now.

"Un!" Orochimaru jeered. Then he coughed and sputtered as Deidara 'accidentally' kicked snow into his face.

"We are not equipped for this climate- our travelling gear is gone. To survive the night, we may need to invade each other's personal space in the most intimate manner and share body warmth," Shino said.

Identical expressions of horror dawned on all their faces, as Lee and Deidara sprang into action, looking for faggots. Or firewood, if one was squeamish about the other term.

"K-k-…" Sasuke's teeth began to chatter as he desperately tried to summon his chakra, "K-katon, dammit!"

* * *

Neji walked.

His stomach reminded him that it had been a long time since his last meal of prison gruel. Through long hours of meditation and a life of self-restraint, he had reached an echelon of enlightenment that allowed him to subsist on a single grain of rice and the quintessence of the universe. A nice warm meal of buckwheat noodles in soup would not have been unwelcome though.

He continued walking, heedless of the plaintive plaint of his belly, towards his destiny.


	6. Lecheng Teahouse

The Valley of Peace was as placid and bucolic as Neji remembered. People went about their everyday tasks with no further end than living out their small, insignificant lives until they died of old age in their sleep or while performing some petty task that would never leave a mark in history. He did not despise them for their lack of ambition. That was their destiny. His path was of greatness.

He pulled his hood further over his face and trudged through the main road of the village. The action was not questionable, for dark clouds were gathering overhead and already the village denizens were going indoors or making other preparations for the coming rain. A few cows and goats continued to graze where they were tethered, resigned to standing out in the rain while the dogs and free-range fowl sensibly began to get under shelter and coop. A number of stray cats ran up and down the rooftops, their forms outlined against the gray clouds as they alternately looked up at the sky, then down at the passing villagers before slinking off to wherever it was they called home.

It seemed to Neji that humans were no different from other animals for being so content to go about their mundane existence without care or thought or higher purpose. He likened the people in the village to sheep. Those prison guards who had not met his eyes in the entire time he was confined were like large rhinos, with brute strength but little brain. Many had insulted him during his confinement, and they had not lived to repeat this offense. Others, who resembled gorillas perhaps, in that they were somewhat intelligent, yet inferior to him nonetheless, he let live. No doubt these survivors had organized a search and recapture posse and were after him even at this moment, but they would be on foot, while Neji had liberated a clay crane from a blonde boy who had styled himself a kung fu master just the other day and, after rendering it tractable with a few air strikes from his palm, utilized it to take the fastest route back to Konoha. It eventually depleted whatever ki energy was used to animate it, but by then he had placed a great gap between himself and his pursuers. He had at least a few days at leisure to lay siege upon the Hokage hall, if necessary, and claim the Dragon Scroll.

He briefly contemplated running up the thousand steps on the hill and appearing before his old master with the backdrop of thunder and lightning to dramatically herald his arrival.

Then his stomach grumbled, and he sighed. If that happened again during the crucial moment of his triumphant return, it would completely ruin his entrance. He would stop for a meal here in the village, he decided. The Dragon Scroll had waited three years for him; it could wait a little longer. If the fraud masquerading as the Dragon Warrior was as extraordinary as rumor had it, he would meet him at full strength.

He slid open the door of a quiet-looking teashop and stepped inside.

* * *

Tenten dried herself off, face set in a dark scowl that made rivulets of warm water drip at strange angles down her scrunched-up face. She had put the Hokage's bath house to good use, drawing a bath to counteract the chill effects of her submersion-by-scroll-conk in the pool. Her best guess was that it was some sort of prank the kung fu fighters had set on her, much like the trick they used to play back at the academy by placing a blackboard eraser on top of the slightly askew classroom door. Most teachers easily evaded it, but Tenten was not a teacher, and had not even bothered to finish the final year at the Academy. Well, the joke was on them! She was taking the fancy scroll with her when she left the hall and returned to the village. It looked expensive and would be a great replacement for the scroll sacrificed for the machang trap she'd laid.

She tucked the now-dry scroll into one of the pockets of her travel bag. The boxes for deliveries were collapsed into themselves and placed alongside the wooden pole and the dishes and utensils on top of another scroll. She then sterilized the sewing needle hidden at the hem of her shirt to prick her earlobe, reopening the hole in her skin meant for earrings she never wore. With the blood, she released the cabinets in the scroll and opened the compartments to store the wares and reseal them in perfect order for easy transport. Nin-kame wasn't the only one who could carry his house on his back.

Scrolls were a thing of her short-lived kung fu academy past, before she quit. Besides, constantly pricking one's fingers for the required blood was just plain unsanitary in the food business. Scrolls came in handy for large deliveries though, and for long trips like that time they'd had a large catering gig in Rain Country. What a difficult job that had been.

Speaking of rain, there was a flash of lightning outside, and the dark clouds that had gathered overhead gave up their heavy burden to pour onto the land.

Tenten sighed. She didn't want to get drenched in cold water again. She had had enough of this place though, and so she left the great hall clad head to foot in protective rain gear with a large umbrella for added cover.

She hoped her father and the teahouse regulars would have the sense to stay out of the rain as well. None of them minded storms as much as she did, but it got so inconvenient for everyone when it happened. And Tenten did want her father to be in tip top shape so she could greet him in a manner most befitting a daughter who had been shuffled off to a training camp from hell by her parent.

* * *

"Welcome to Lecheng Teahouse!"

Neji scrutinized the man who came out from the kitchen and was wiping large but nevertheless nimble-looking hands on an apron. A dark kerchief covered the man's head, presumably to maintain some standard of food sanitation. A less sanitary-seeming toothpick jutted out of his mouth, swishing to and fro at irregular intervals.

Neji nodded to a table at the far left corner, which would make him inconspicuous and allow him to survey everyone else coming and going into the shop. The shop owner affably waved him there then brought over a menu.

"Would you like to order now or shall I bring over tea in the meantime while you decide?"

"Nishin soba," Neji answered, not looking at the menu. The toothpick paused in its transit from one side of the man's mouth, but resumed a slower voyage to the other side as he seemed to shrug in the tiniest movement.

"Twenty minutes, if you're willing to wait."

"Tea would be fine while the soba is prepared."

The teashop owner nodded and walked away. Passing by the entrance, he turned the shop's sign to 'Closed' after glancing out at the heavy clouds overhead, and at the distant flashes of lightning and rumbles of far off thunder.

It had been an interminable time since Neji sat at a table for a proper meal. He had not forgotten gentility, and sat with perfect posture as he waited. His hood remained drawn over his face and his travel stained clothes were unremarkable, but his silent bearing set him apart, seemingly a member of the upper class who had fallen on hard times, an impoverished noble now constrained to frequent inexpensive teahouses such as this rather than the fancier restaurants in the more prosperous part of the village.

The clink and clack of various utensils and the chatter of the other teahouse patrons washed over him and Neji inhaled the aroma of different dishes that wafted through the air. He was glad the shop keeper had not offered appetizers, as he felt he was quite vulnerable to such temptations of the flesh in his present state. His digestive system rumbled in a more or less continuous drone now, and Neji pondered how his life of discipline had apparently not schooled his recalcitrant stomach into rising above the hunger.

It was the smells, he thought. He had been able to subsist on the meagre rations in prison and even before his incarceration when nothing more appetizing than gruel and similarly bland fare had been available. This rich, pungent atmosphere that smote his olfactory senses now made his mouth water and he realized that he was _famished_.

A teapot was set before him and he almost did not bother with rinsing the cup with hot tea to bring it to the desired temperature before pouring out a draught and inhaling the calming vapour given off by the steaming brew. He thought no one noticed the imperceptible way his hand trembled.

A small bowl of clear soup was placed in front of him.

He inclined his head at the shop keeper in wordless question.

"Free soup while waiting. None of the meat and vegetable fillings, of course, just the broth, but it's unlimited until your order's ready," The man smiled around the toothpick and disappeared back into the kitchen.

Neji had always known the people of the Valley of Peace to be decent people, with a few exceptions, such as his abjured clan. He had already decided to be a magnanimous Dragon Warrior long ago, and fulfil his duty to protect his village and the rest of the Five Lands as well, and only kill the rude. This teahouse had passed his test of courtesy.

He sipped the soup and drank the tea, glad to be in civilized society once more. Both were very good, he noted.

* * *

"A-ano, Genma-san. I don't feel right leaving you to attend to the customers outside."

A girl with long dark hair and pure white eyes crouched on the ground petting a stray cat that had slunk in under the awning behind the kitchen apparently to avoid the impending downpour.

"Don't worry your pretty head Hinata-chan, I've closed up early and the remaining customers were already served. The only person without a completed order is that one who ordered something not on the menu," Genma said. His face was a mix of exasperation and amusement. "First time customer though. And the customer is always right. Good thing we had some herring in stock."

He glanced at the girl who had volunteered to fill in for Tenten, "You're sure he's the one? Seems harmless. Quiet, like you."

Hinata nodded. She looked down, absently scratching behind the cat's ears, but it was evident she was not really seeing what was in front of her, but looking inward at some memory.

"He is Neji Hyuuga, my older cousin. He attempted to eradicate our clan." She spoke with grief, but not anger. She looked at the teashop owner, "Genma-san, Tenten will be in danger if he finds out she is the one proclaimed as the Dragon Warrior."

Genma sighed. "If a customer wants to fight my daughter to the death, well, the customer is always- I'm kidding Hinata." He assured the stricken girl. "We'll work something out. I'll just go poison him now, what do you say?"

"Please don't."

"Hah," he reached out and ruffled her hair, something he would have done even if her own father had been there. Heir to an esteemed clan or not, she was still just a little girl to the shop owner, around the same age as his own cherished darling, although he would never admit his affection for the brat aloud.

Said darling was really taking her sweet time with that training crap they seemed to be intent on putting her through at the Hokage's. Genma smirked to himself as he poured the hot broth over the noodles in the bowl. Whatever she learned, she would probably use to attack him when she came back. Neji would have to wait in line for that battle to the death. Family always came first.

"N-n-n-" he heard an abrupt stutter from Hinata, and looked back at the girl in enquiry. She was beet red and had brought both hands to cover her mouth. Her activated Byakugan brought some faint outline of her white iris into view and she was staring beyond Genma's shoulder into the dining area.

"Naruto-kun is here!"


	7. Naruto the ramen topping appears!

"Oi! Uncle Genma!"

Neji paid no heed to the uncouth savage who had just slammed open the teahouse door regardless of the "Closed" sign. The restaurant was practically empty now that most of the customers had finished their meals and settled their tabs. Pleasantly warmed from his tea and soup, he was anticipating the main dish, with tantalizing hints of its delectable aroma floating from the kitchen.

"Don't 'uncle' me, fish sticks," Genma said, bringing out a tray with a meal fit for a dragon warrior, who apparently liked soba and possibly spring onions. He set the bowl down without fanfare and acknowledged Neji's nod of thanks before turning back to the kitchen.

"Mean uncle! That's not my name!" The savage was very quick on his feet, as he was at the counter in two seconds flat, yelling for attention. "C'mon, have a heart, I'm starving!"

The shop owner shouted something, and the hooligan hollered something back, but Neji took no notice. The Terror of the Five Lands had ingested a mouthful of sustenance and all other earthly things faded to nothingness as he savoured.

The noodles.

The broth.

The herring.

There were no words, and Neji was very good with words, to describe the experience. It was simply- perfection.

"Oi."

The shining moment of rapture shattered and Neji was brought back to reality by a whiskered face pushing itself close up to his own.

"Ey, mister, why are you wearing a hood while indoors?" the owner of the face, which annoyed Neji just to look at it, was sitting across him now, apparently having done with his shouting match with the shop owner. The pest attempted to peer into the shadowy depths of the cloak concealing Neji's face.

"Naruto!" the owner berated, hauling up the offender by the ear, "Don't bother the customer!"

"I thought he was eating ramen!" Naruto whined, struggling, "Why do I need to wait two days for your ramen, Uncle Genma? Ichiraku's always has something ready."

"Ichiraku's is a ramen shop. This is not. If you want ramen, although I can't imagine why, you'll get ramen done right. Come back in two days."

"I don't understand! Wait, you're throwing me out in the rain?" the boy had no volume control. "You know I'm going to be the Hokage right? I'll remember this!"

Neji scoffed.

Naruto wrenched, painfully, out of the shopkeeper's grasp, and was right back in Neji's face. "You got something to say, huh, strange guy?"

"The Hokage is a great kung fu master and respected leader with a prestigious lineage of talent and power," Neji said. "You, on the other hand, are nothing. I've never heard anyone with a name like Fish Sticks becoming Hokage."

"That's not my name, dattebayo!" Naruto bellowed, jabbing a finger which Neji did not allow to touch him .

"Fish Sticks Dattebayo. It fits." Neji nodded. "You must learn to accept that we each walk a path of destiny, Fish Sticks. There are, of course, those who would deny you or impede your course, but these people are to be crushed underfoot and you must seize your fate from the very hands of the gods to establish supremacy. It is obvious, though, that you do not walk such a path, for I see much insecurity and lack of proper upbringing in your stance and features. You must learn to distinguish the signs that you are unexceptional, and once you accept this you may live out your life of mediocrity in relative contentment."

Neji could be quite talkative when relaxed and somewhat nourished.

Naruto's bright blue eyes hardened and his voice, already loud, raised several decibels higher.

"You just completely contradicted yourself 'ttebayo! And the name is Naruto, remember it!" he was worked up in a right good rage now. "If I believed your crap I'd have to crush YOU underfoot for belittling my dreams. And don't think I won't!"

"You are welcome to try."

"Hey now," the shop keeper said. They both looked at him. He shook his head. "Take it outside, unless you promise to shoulder the cost of any repairs to the shop."

They took it outside.

* * *

Thunder rumbled overhead and storm clouds shrouded the sky as the Terror of the Five Lands and one nondescript loudmouth faced off outside a teashop.

Naruto yelled something about never giving up, with much pointing and fist-pumping. Neji sank into an easy stance, and waited.

He got an odd feeling about the boy standing before him, but paid it no heed. He assessed in an instant his opponent's fighting prowess. It was lacking.

With a war cry, Naruto threw himself at the unmoving hooded figure.

* * *

Genma was busy boarding up the windows. The wind was picking up and he didn't want debris flying in. Glass was expensive to come by. Based on the sounds he could hear coming from outside, Naruto had been flung down for the fifth time, each time hitting the ground harder and faster.

"Stay down."

Neji was getting hungry again. He'd only just begun to enjoy his soba, which rivalled the taste of ambrosia in his mind, and this nitwit had taken up more time than he'd expected. His soup was getting cold, for heaven's sake.

"Won't!" Naruto, to his dubious credit, was a consistent loudmouth. His noise level had not decreased, although broken up now by harsh gasps and "oofs!" and yelps of pain. Bruised and bloody, he scrabbled on the ground to push his body up from where it lay.

"Accept your fate. There are many far stronger than you. I am one of those. You will never be Hokage."

Naruto staggered upright. Neji raised his eyebrows, although Naruto could not possibly see this through the shadows under the hood.

"If Tenten can become the Dragon Warrior, then I definitely can become Hokage." Naruto grit out, baring his teeth in a smile that was both a grimace and a challenge.

There was a clatter from inside the teashop and some cursing from the shop owner but the winds had grown too strong for Neji to hear what was said. The storm finally hit, and a gust of air blew back the hood from Neji's head, whipping his hair away from his face.

"Tenten, is it? I will show this Tenten what a true Dragon Warrior is made of," Neji told the bleeding boy. "I am the one destined to become Dragon Warrior. Remember my name, Naruto, it is Neji Hyuuga. I am the last thing you will see and hear."

Lightning flashed and sheets of rain fell. Neji launched his final attack.

One moment he had the defiant, battered face of a blue-eyed boy in his sight as rain pelted down. The next, there was a "Poof!" and a momentary smoke burst that did not hinder the Byakugan in the slightest, but Neji was sharply checked just as he was about to deliver a killing blow by the appearance before him of a blue-eyed, naked girl.

Seconds passed. Neji had one hand right before the girl's chest, palm open, mouth agape. He gawped as rainwater plastered flaxen hair to a delicate face, drops oozing over curves and running down shapely, bare limbs. Plump, well-endowed flesh shuddered in the cold precipitation and became distinctly perk-

"Hey Neji-buddy. Eyes up here."

Neji was completely frozen. He could _not_ take his eyes off the first sight of exposed female assets in three years. The girl huffed in offense, or amusement, it was hard to tell. Not like he was looking at her face.

It was a mistake. The movement brought her chest up smack into his open palm.

Blood gushed from Neji's nose in an arc as he careened backwards and fell senseless to the ground.

* * *

Tenten arrived to find what appeared to be a dead body in front of the tea shop and a very sexy, nude blonde girl rolling around in the mud trying to stop bellowing from laughter.

"T-Tenten, look, I beat THE Neji Hyuuga!" Naruto managed to gasp, before sinking down again in helpless mirth.


	8. Tenten, Neji, and a menagerie

If Naruto was laughing, Tenten surmised that the body on the ground was probably not a corpse, since Naruto was not classified as part of their special category of teahouse customer that revelled in death and mayhem. In fact, he was not a regular customer at all. She wondered what the ramen-lover was doing at their side of town.

Never mind. If no one was in danger of dying, she could concentrate on the more important matter of putting her father in danger of dying. _Dynamic Entry! With Kitchen Knives!_ seemed appropriate for the situation. She had learned a thing or two from her stint with Gai.

Tenten stepped past the blonde who was still howling in a puddle of rainwater and laughter, and crossed under the cover of the veranda. Then she closed her umbrella and disengaged its handle to draw out a slim, flexible blade.

She flung open the restaurant door, mindful that she didn't want to destroy valuable restaurant property while maiming her father.

"Ah, the prodigal has returned!"

Her father looked up from one of the tables where he had been cleaning up, then ducked as the spare boning knife his daughter always carried whizzed past his right ear.

"Now, let's not start with that just yet," he stepped forward and hastily engulfed Tenten in a hug, disabling her mid and long range attacks.

"Took you long enough," He scolded into the air. "What a weak and silly girl my daughter is for allowing a bunch of pansy assed martial artists to give her that hard a time."

Tenten stood stiff for a while, wishing she wasn't so starved for affection that this was all it took to disarm her, but relented after a beat and relaxed into the rare gesture of mushiness, postponing her next attempt on her father's life for another day. Despite the hard words he spoke, she knew that many things Genma Saotome said were not what he truly meant. He was a superstitious man, and believed that all sorts of evil spirits were hanging about ready to make life miserable for the average person, so to avoid the risk of them taking an interest in the things he held dear to his heart, he often spoke deprecatingly about his family and restaurant, for any and all spirits to hear.

She quietly set the seven other spare knives she had on a table by their side, and fiercely returned her father's hug. For tough love, Genma was the father to beat.

"So, tell me all about it," he held her at arm's length and looked her over critically. "You're usually a lot more talkative."

Tenten gestured at her throat and shrugged sheepishly. He saw the faded bruise marks left behind by Orochimaru's fingers and his eyes glinted with a sudden harshness.

"Ginger tea will help with that," was all he said though, and smiled at his daughter. She inclined her head towards the door, where the faint sounds of a feminized Naruto giggling were still heard, and he winked.

"Hinata believes you're in great peril. That's Neji Hyuuga out there, the Terror of the Five Lands. I say he just hasn't met you yet, and once he does, he's sure to be bowled over by your complete lack of threat!" he grinned at her, then stopped as her face told him it was not the compliment he had intended, "Well, beauty then! Complete lack of beauty! What I mean to say is," he scratched his head, "All right, maybe you're a little pleasant to look at, being my daughter and all, but, okay, okay, I'll stop," he raised his hands in conciliation as she reached for her knives again, "I might have some curry of life back in the kitchen that we can use to revive him."

With a final mussing of his daughter's hair buns, causing her to bat away his hands in protest, Genma returned smiling to the kitchen to make a batch of tea and extra hot curry and to reassure Hinata that everything was fine.

Muttering under her breath as she let down her hair to smooth it out, Tenten looked outside, where Naruto had finally gathered enough of his wits together to start dragging Neji out of the rain.

"Why are you naked, Naruto?" she whisper-asked when the blonde came in hauling the limp Hyuuga by the armpits. She was exasperated and not a little envious of the perfect, shapely bum of the now-female ramen lover.

"Strategic stripping. It's a new technique I'm practicing," Naruto threw a practiced simpering look over his/er shoulder at Tenten, who rolled her eyes, "I wear super baggy clothes so when I transform they just drop right off and distract the enemy and—ow!" He yelped as Tenten splashed hot tea on him, triggering a strange and instantaneous change over Naruto's body, swathing it first in smoke before emerging again fully male.

"That was really hot Tenten! I could have been boiled alive!"

"You're welcome," Tenten tossed a dish towel at him to dry off.

"Naruto, I thought I told you not to corrupt my daughter with your perverted displays," Genma re-emerged with a bowl and a cup of tea, "It's Hinata you want to be exposing your minuscule assets to. So, Hinata," He called into the kitchen, "You should come out, the Byakugan won't do justice to the sight of Naruto's exposure."

There was an 'eep!' from behind a kitchen door and a thump, as of a fair maiden gracefully falling to the ground in a swoon.

"Hey," Naruto flexed his biceps proudly, mistaking the 'assets' Genma had referred to, "They're not that small. I do lots of training under Toad sensei, you know, to make 'em bigger. Was that Hinata?" he ran into the kitchen, still buck naked, "Wow, she's out cold! This stripping technique seems to work both ways for people of Hyuuga blood!"

Father and daughter sighed, as Tenten took the bowl from her father and drank the tea. The ginger soothed her sore throat greatly.

* * *

The curry, meanwhile, did not quite have the effect they were hoping for.

Naruto came back in with Hinata slung over his back piggy-back style, in time to see Neji flop about in a spasm before sagging senseless back to the floor. Tenten and Genma looked stunned.

"Did that ever happen to any of our other customers?" Genma asked slowly. Tenten shook her head. Most people ran out of the teashop screaming after a mouthful of curry. At least it got them up and about.

While the humans were preoccupied with the medical phenomenon that was Neji, with all his strange reactions to various stimuli, the small cat Hinata had been petting outside followed Naruto into the restaurant, unobserved. It jumped up onto the counter where Tenten had set down her cup and dipped a paw carefully into the steaming liquid. Then it began to rub its face and ears with delicate strokes, and afterwards went over the rest of its tiny body with a methodical thoroughness until smoke wafted around it, gradually dispersing to reveal a pale-skinned young man in place of the cat sitting on the counter. He was older than Naruto, but younger than the shop keeper. Pitch black hair fell just below his shoulder blades, the same color as the fur coat that had earlier covered his body. Similar to the coloration on his cat form, his chest and face were starkly white, as well as his hands, which had been white-tipped paws, like socks, and dark nails. The pallid young man stared at the prone Hyuuga, flecks of red swirling in his eyes.

Genma glanced toward the newcomer, before turning fully, "Ah, Itachi. Crap, you're naked too." He immediately covered Tenten's eyes when she turned to look, a little more eagerly than her father thought proper.

"So the rumors are true. He escaped." Itachi's voice was deep. With her eyes covered, Tenten was able to discern how similar it sounded to another Sharingan user that lived on top of Hokage mountain.

"Hey, who's this guy?" Naruto looked from Genma to Itachi, "And where'd he come from?"

"Nothing escapes this one, obviously," Itachi was amused. He moved with feline grace to slide off the counter and settle onto a stool behind it.

"Naruto, this is Itachi, one of our 'regulars'," the shop keeper introduced. "Itachi, meet the Valley of Peace's number one unpredictable ramen lover."

"Is he a nudist? Are your regular customers exhibitionists?" Naruto asked.

Genma coughed and Tenten ducked away from under her father's hand to cast an incredulous stare at the blonde boy in the buff, who in turn was giving his patented, squinty-eyed look at Itachi, the look that made the whisker marks on his cheeks more prominent and generally annoyed anyone who saw it.

"Naruto," Itachi seemed to realize one had to speak slowly and clearly with such a person, "I'm naked for the same reason you are. I transform when I get soaked in cold water. I regain my normal body only when drenched with hot water. By that time usually most of my clothes have fallen off, since my lot was to fall into the Cursed Spring of Drowned Cat in eastern China, where I went for special kung fu training."

"OH!" Fist struck open palm as realization dawned. "You fell into one of the cursed springs too!"

Itachi nodded with a slight smile at how different Naruto was from his own younger brother, who, although talented, had only started talking at age 2, with all previous baby sounds consisting of "tch" and "che". Naruto sounded like he had begun talking nonstop even before his toothless infant gums could form a 'dattebayo' properly.

Of course, the smile of a handsome Uchiha was a swoon-worthy thing to see. At that moment Hinata woke up and saw more than just Itachi's smile. She had the Byakugan after all, even if he was sitting behind the counter. She fainted again, this time with a nosebleed to match her unconscious cousin's, keeling over him for the both of them to make a little pile of Hyuugas.

Genma groaned and instructed his daughter, much against his better judgment. "Might as well take a good look, Tenten. Now that you're the Dragon Warrior, you can't be susceptible to this stripping strategy attack, or whatever it is."

Naruto readily struck a pose, wearing nothing but a smile as Tenten sputtered and shut her eyes voluntarily to block out the horror.

"Yes, I heard the news too. Congratulations, Dragon Warrior Tenten," Itachi greeted. Tenten waved a rather listless acknowledgment in his general direction, still facing decidedly away from the bare boys.

"I suppose the rest of you will be arriving shortly?" the shop owner asked Itachi.

"Only my partner and… _him_," Itachi said. "We were due for a therapy session in any case."

"Just in time too, you can arrest the Terror of the Five Lands all over again. In the meantime let's get you some clothes." Genma moved back towards the kitchen, with Itachi following, "Naruto, come put something on and then bring Hinata safely back to her house. Tenten, Dragon Warrior, daughter dear, be useful and finish cleaning up already."

The three men proceeded to the back room and Tenten stepped carefully over Neji to wipe down the tables. Outside the storm began to abate.

* * *

.

* * *

.

The four masters of kung fu trudged single file along the mountain pass, numb with cold but loathe to press any closer to each other. After that horrible night following their encounter with the escaped convict, not one person wanted to touch the other with a ten foot pole.

Lee had generated his own body heat that time by doing push ups for eight straight hours, but then passed out shortly after the sun came up and was now swaddled up on Shino's back and dangling uselessly, much like Deidara's arms were waving about behind the crane style kung fu master. Shino didn't complain, since he now had a safe means of sharing body heat.

Deidara had put that memory behind him and was keeping his spirits up with pleasant daydreams.

"I'll tell Tenten when I get back, un, that her eyes are like chocolate brown orbs."

The others said nothing. Deidara went on to rhapsodize on such delectable descriptions of his lady love such as "mousy hair" and "eyes the color of mud" when Orochimaru finally spoke up.

"What is chocolate?"

Deidara paused to look at him. "You don't know what chocolate is, un? I thought you would have explored the western countries beyond the Five Lands in your search for immortality. It's a bitter but tasty brew derived from the cocoa bean, invented by a far-away people called Aztecs. It's very delicious!"

Orochimaru resolved to experience this 'chocolate' for himself when they reached the Valley of Peace. A girl like Tenten didn't need two eyes to run a tea shop, after all. He could pluck out one 'chocolate orb' and she would finally have something interesting about her to tell her grandkids. His wide smile as he immersed in his own daydreams caused the others to move away a good deal further.

"There are hot springs nearby," Sasuke informed them. His Sharingan was back in working order but seeing chakra and predicting enemy movements were rather useless when nature itself was out to kill you. The wind howled around them and chilled them to the bone.

"We should keep going," Shino said. The kikkai he had sent to investigate transmitted great agitation and unease at something in the water.

"Do what you like," Sasuke told them, already moving unerringly towards the path leading to the springs. "I need to get out of this frozen hell. I don't intend to bathe, just to warm myself from the steam."

That sounded safe enough.

They eventually came to crevice hidden between the mountain walls that revealed a large clearing full of pools of water, steaming with heat and sulfur. Large wooden poles of varying heights and distances were staked through the middle of each pool, atop which martial artists could train their agility and balance.

"How charming," Orochimaru scoffed. Despite his cynicism, he was drawn by the heat as well.

"Is this a training area for kung fu? I've never heard of a place such as this," Shino set Lee down carefully by a rock and enjoyed the warm mist that saturated the air, a welcome change from the dry, biting cold.

"I have," Deidara blinked slowly, recalling, "Before I went to serve under the Hokage, I was part of another group of martial artists. Those guys were really something, un, but kind of unstable. When I left, they said they would be going to the secret hidden hot springs for extreme kung fu training."

"Extreme kung fu," Sasuke echoed. It sounded like something that required a noisy soundtrack.

"As opposed to tame and moderate kung fu," Orochimaru said with a completely straight face. "What do you say, eh, Sasuke?" his tongue slithered out unconsciously to lick around his lips and most of his chin, "Are you up for a friendly match between colleagues bonded in the brotherhood of martial arts?"

"Tch." Sasuke smirked. "Wagers against my body, as usual?"

"You can have _my_ body if you win," Orochimaru murmured.

Shino and Deidara rolled their eyes, wondering if they had to give the two some privacy _again_.

Sasuke didn't answer, merely blurred out of sight to appear above them, on one of the poles.

"I'd be satisfied just to give you a good dunk in the hot springs."

The Master of the Snake Style gave a final flick of his unnaturally long tongue in the air, as if scenting with it, before retracting it and giving a wide, lipless grin. He sprang up to start the spar.

Deidara continued to look pensive as he watched the mist whip about into a roiling miasma created by the flurry of movement suddenly exploding high above. "I was very young, un, but I remember they said there was some special quality about these hot springs. They dealt a cursed fate worse than death if you didn't take care not to disturb the spirits. Or something."

"Sounds superstitious," Shino observed, but moved himself and Lee away to an even greater distance. "Still, can one ever be too careful? My opinion is 'no'."

Twin splashes of water told them that the sparring kung fu masters had knocked each other off their perches and into separate hot springs. They turned, and the sight that met their eyes was something beyond even their wildest imaginings.

"Unbelievable?" It was both a question and an exclamation coming from Shino.

"Un to that!" Deidara concurred, scope-less eye wide and staring.

.

* * *

.

Neji came out of a delirium of nightmares and fantastical dreams after two days, unable to distinguish what parts were hallucinations and which were real, his mind tormented by visions of spontaneously sex-changing opponents and hellish memory snippets of being force-fed brain-melting lava in punishment for his crimes.

His eyes snapped open in sudden fear that he was back in the dungeon and he had let slip his chance at claiming the Dragon Scroll.

But he was in no dungeon. Sunlight was streaming into the room where he lay. He was on a soft, if tiny, cot, and there was a warm fuzzy creature curled up on his sternum.

His eyes, sharp even without activating the Byakugan, instantly scanned the space, taking in the bookshelf full of cooking manuals and lined with little jars of spices, posters on the wall featuring apron-clad people wearing funny white hats and holding strangely-shaped utensils, a large number of neatly-folded towels and linens on a stool, a writing table and a cabinet.

Then his entire attention was arrested by the soft movement of the tiny animal stirring on top of him. He gazed down and beheld a calico cat with orange tabby and black patches uncurling from slumber. Its ears perked, then it raised its head and look at him with odd-paired eyes that were like huge, yellow and blue pools of limpid appeal. One could drown in their shimmery depths. They gleamed with undeniable magnetic intensity, rendering any thought of aggression or hostility impotent in the face of such adorableness.

Neji stared, transfixed, unable to move even when he heard steps coming closer.

"Tabby!" the cat was snatched off his chest, hurriedly, but not cruelly. The cat miaowed its protest, the mewls as it was hefted away from its comfortable spot atop Neji sounding almost human. 'tabby is a good kitty' it seemed to say, still with those Eyes that could mesmerize and stop an entire army in its tracks with sheer cuteness.

The person who had removed the cat was a girl with long, dark hair drawn back in a messy chignon. Neji certainly knew what a chignon was, coming from a clan which had practically set the trend for long hair on men. He noticed his own hair had been combed smooth, and he had been dressed in clean peasant attire. He felt better than he had in years, but ravenously hungry.

He watched her set the cat down outside the door, ignoring its piteous cries, and very wisely keeping her face turned away from the Eyes.

"Go on down and join the others. I'll follow in a while," she told the creature. Her voice was soft and she looked mostly harmless. Neji had the passing thought that it would be a pity if he had to kill her.

He saw her take a steadying breath before she turned to face him. They regarded each other for a moment, Neji noticing something in the brown eyes that was vaguely familiar.

"Do I know you?" he asked.

"If you were at the Academy five years ago, that was around the time I quit school to mind my father's tea shop," she eyed him, trying to gauge how much he recalled, no doubt.

"I see. I wouldn't bother remembering anyone who quit. People like that are losers."

The girl glanced towards the door, looking like she wanted to bring back the cat with the mismatched eyes to throw it at him.

"My apologies," he realized how he must have sounded. "Seeing as you probably were forced by circumstances to quit studying, perhaps loser is too harsh a word for it."

"It was your _fate_ to become a lowly teashop caretaker instead of an esteemed martial artist," he imparted his wisdom with no small amount of self-satisfaction.

Her face was stony.

"_Actually_, Dad was all for my becoming an 'esteemed martial artist'. I quit because fighting bores me. I like cooking and have been apprenticing under him since then so I didn't _stop_ studying, just switched concentrations," she crossed her arms and 'hmphd', "You know, the fate speeches you were spouting even back then didn't make sense either. Destiny this, fate that. I told you I'd do whatever I wanted. Make my own destiny. Guess you don't remember."

Neji looked at her blankly.

The girl shook her head, "Maybe that's the difference between us. I was brought up thinking I had a choice. I could become whatever I wanted to be and Dad would still be behind me one hundred percent."

Her presumption to make comparisons between him and a commoner like herself irked him.

"So marvellous that you have such a doormat for a father, to let his child dictate her whims and caprices upon him," Neji retorted, "I, on the other hand, much prefer the inexorable path of destiny to the aimless dithering of the unambitious."

His chest swelled and he continued, fulminating, "Far better is the call to glory by pre-ordained fate than those paltry family bonds you regard so highly. My own family wanted to mark me with a curse seal, to control and inhibit my palpable phenomenal giftedness. Do you wonder why I eschewed them and regard with contempt and scepticism these so-called ties of blood and clanship?"

"You—", she paused, "You really like using difficult words, don't you?"

He was still grasping for the proper weighty phraseology within which to couch the fact that he was finding her very annoying when a bell clanged downstairs.

"That'll be Dad, the doormat, telling us dinner's ready. If you'd be so kind and leave my room now, which this lowly teashop girl let you use when you were knocked out cold, you can have one last meal and be on your way."

She swept her arm in an exaggerated gesture to the doorway.

His Byakugan was activated as he passed her and he saw her mouth behind him 'Ass.'

He just needed the Scroll. Then he would come back and rub it into her cute face (cute? What cute? He mentally chastised himself) that he was indeed destined to become the Dragon Warrior and she would regret pontificating at him about self-determination and choosing your own fate. If she had quit the Academy because she couldn't hack it, that was her problem. Losers like her and Naruto could never possibly hope to understand the grand destiny of one intended to hold the exalted position of Dragon Warrior.

Naruto.

He stopped in his tracks and he sensed the girl pinwheel her arms wildly behind him in an effort not to bump into him and send them both crashing down the stairs.

"Where is that pest called Naruto?" he demanded, whirling about to face her.

"Ehhhh?"

For the second time since his escape from prison, Neji felt the onset of a violent nosebleed. She had teetered off balance despite her arm waving and smooshed onto him from her place two steps above, so that his face was pressed into her sternum and the soft underside of her chest.

He threw himself back forcefully, white eyes wide with panic. He tumbled down the steps, regaining enough lucidity to land on his feet in a wide stance, fingers pinching his nose desperately.

"That wasn't, I was—" he stammered.

"I knew it. _The_ Neji Hyuuga is a pervert."

Naruto gleefully smirked from where he peeked through the kitchen door. He began chanting in an singsong, "Neji likes touching young girls' breasts, tee-ai-tee-tee-ai-ee—"

A frying pan hit him on the head with a resounding 'clang!' and Naruto was out for the count.

Neji watched the boy topple over like a stack of bricks, then looked up.

He stared at the pan-wielder.

It was a large, burly panda. In an apron that said "Kung Fu Cook" and holding a spatula.

"Oh, hey Dad," the girl said, breathless, tripping down the steps with completely bogus nonchalance, as if Neji had not just been burrowing his face into her bosoms half a minute ago. "That was _obviously_ an accident, no harm, no foul. Right? Right! Anyway, Neji, meet my dad, Genma Saotome. Maybe you've met before. Earlier, before you passed out. Good progress, by the way, on not passing out this time, I mean…" she rambled on as she tiptoed away from Neji and eventually placed her father between herself and the Terror of the Two Virgins (well, she didn't know how many virgins really, but there was her and there was Naruto, who was too oblivious not to be a virgin, even if he did sing dirty songs learned from Toad sages).

Neji's mouth opened slightly. He looked at the panda. He looked at the girl.

"Your dad's a panda."

"Well, now he is."

"A real panda."

"A real panda," she affirmed. She pinched a furry arm to demonstrate. '_See? Not a toy_.'

Neji said nothing for a while. He was hungry, had just mashed his face into the pillowy depths of heaven, and was now wondering if he was hallucinating as a result.

'_Did I do that?'_ Tenten thought, watching Neji's spaced-out look. What power her breasts had.

The panda grumped, and gestured to the dining area with a hoary claw.

"Let's go eat," Tenten cheered with false joy. She practically ran out of the kitchen.

Neji edged around kitchen, keeping his eye on the menacing-looking mammal that hovered protectively over Naruto, even if it _had_ been responsible for giving the boy a possible concussion.

Before Neji reached the door, the panda held up a wooden board with something scrawled in chalk. Neji blinked, then focused to decipher the writing.

"A night's lodging, clothes and meal: 5818 ryo."

Neji gulped.

.

* * *

.

Tenten dashed out into the dining area, clutching at her chest protectively.

"There she is."

"Our brown-eyed girl."

"My, how she has grown."

"Guys," there was a note of warning in her voice, "Now is not the time—"

The men sitting at the table where Neji had supped had a different sort of note in mind. A complete set of notes, in fact.

"Come on Tenten, you know how this song goes," the huge, blue-skinned man grinned, displaying all his teeth, which had been filed down to sharp points. Beside him, a shorter man wearing a swirly orange mask was humming a continuous melodic undercurrent to the words. _Doop-doo-doop-a-doo…_

Itachi nodded at Tenten, as if to tell her that there was no getting out of it.

"Do you remember when," a lovely tenor rang out from behind the swirly mask, "we used to sing—

They all burst into the chorus, "Shalalalalalala la teeh da…" (_popopopopompom_)

Tenten scuttled back into the kitchen to get away from the three-part harmony.

"What's going on out there?" Neji was in her personal space again, although it was mainly her fault, having almost crashed into him. His reflexes had kicked in this time and he'd caught her by the shoulders. Still, their faces were only inches apart.

"Um," she was pretty sure she'd been miffed at him about something earlier. But she couldn't remember now, because up close, his eyes were so _pretty_, and his hair, spilling over his shoulders and drifting to tickle her face, was so _soft_, and his lips were just so _kissable_—

The panda grumped loudly behind Neji. Tenten saw her father holding up another wooden signboard saying '_If my witless daughter is done making goo-goo eyes at the guest…_'

"Uh," she shook her head at the large mammal over Neji's shoulder. The _regulars_ were out there! They would eat Neji alive! When therapy started, they were never to be disturbed. That had always been the rule of the tea shop.

Neji made to move past her.

"You can't go out there!" she grasped his hands, pleading.

"You said dinner was ready. Beyond that door is the dining area," Neji could somehow sound smug and quizzical at the same time. He gave her an amused look, "You're a funny girl."

Tenten giggled in extreme girly abashment, unable to help herself as the panda rolled its eyes.

'_Don't fall for his close range techniques daughter, you're standing much too near to him,' _a new sign was held up.

Her father's sign-writing skills and speed were astonishing, considering his paws were not as dexterous as regular human fingers.

"I guess," Tenten tore her eyes away from the Hyuuga, moving a step back. Neji quashed a momentary regret at the loss of warm human contact.

"If my dad says it's okay, then out we go," she cast a final worried glance at the unperturbed panda, and reopened the door.

The restaurant was empty, save for three cats on the table in the corner, eating from the food bowls in front of them as daintily as you please.


	9. Once upon a time in China

Neji immediately averted his gaze when the three cats turned to look at him. If the lone tabby earlier had been enough to paralyze him with The Sparkly Eyes technique, three of them together would probably turn him to stone.

"You guys," the girl beside him sighed. Then she was ushering Neji to the farthest corner away from the trio of felines, which suited him fine.

"Nya?" the tabby inquired, somewhat slyly, it sounded to Neji.

"Oh, all right," she said. To Neji's surprise, she addressed the cats directly. "Tobi, Itachi, Kisame, this is Neji. He is a guest, the same as you. Please treat him well."

Neji stared at the girl, then at the cats, who were regarding him with what seemed to be lazy amusement. There was the odd-eyed tabby which had been with him when he awoke, sitting between a small black and white cat and a large golden brown one, which looked big enough to be a mountain cat. He beheld a final detail which was so incongruous that his mind skipped over it as inconsequential, the three sets of neatly folded clothes on the chairs near their table.

He realized rather quickly that if the girl thought a huge literate panda that could cook was her father, she could very well believe these creatures to be distant relatives of some sort, maybe maternal cousins twice removed. In short, she was crazy.

Now, Neji could handle crazies. There had been no shortage of them in prison, and quite a few of them guards, no less. Some had been slavering, some raving, others violent, a number rather poetic in their madness. He had had many a pleasant conversation with the poetic ones. The rude ones, well, he always killed those, inconspicuously of course. There were ways, even when shackled head to toe with ki immobilizers.

This girl, though, was different from any of those prison crazies. She owned a teashop. And she had combed his hair. And she was cute. And, although outspoken, not rude. And had he just thought that she was cute **again**?

"…" the very verbose Neji Hyuuga was once more at a loss for words. He inclined his head at the cats in a tentative bow.

The tabby's tail flicked. Then, as one, they looked away in disinterest, and bent their heads back into the bowls to eat.

"They're not being impolite, they're just being… cats," the girl murmured to him, leading the way again to the farthest table.

"You've introduced me to your other… customers, but have yet to tell me your own name."

"Me?" she flustered, looking this way and that, "I'm just a lowly teashop girl remember?"

"After meeting Genma, Tobi, Itachi and Kisame, I'll surely remember your name this time, if you tell me, Ms. Saotome." Neji assured. They were at the table. He drew the wooden chair for her to sit, before settling in his place across from her.

It was a distraction from his mission to attain the Dragon Scroll, but one did not simply come across a teashop menagerie run by a young lass and pass it by without further investigation. Besides, he was still famished.

He stared down at the soba, inhaling paradise in the mere aroma. The tendrils of steam enveloped his olfactory senses, promising oodles of goodness and delights to come. Finally, he would be able to finish his meal.

Then, he caught sight of the girl staring at him avidly, almost impatiently, waiting for him to start.

It took a lot of willpower, but Neji switched their bowls around with a swift, smooth motion.

"I've had the soba before. I would like to try something new," he said. She blinked, and then surprised him with a smile.

"You'll love that then, it's our famous Soup Number Five!" she beamed. "I'm not very familiar with Japanese cooking yet, myself, so this will be my first time to eat soba." She dipped her chopsticks into the soup, before suddenly looking up at him, abashed. "Is it okay if I start? I'm rather hungry."

He stared at her for another beat, weighing if she had just manipulated him. Sensing no deceit, he nodded, and they raised their chopsticks together, and ate.

"Soba is good."

"It is. So is this soup. What's in it?"

"No idea. Super-secret ingredient that my dad has yet to reveal to me."

They slurped.

.

* * *

.

"You still haven't told me your name," Neji said, after the edge of his gnawing, gut-wrenching hunger had been dulled. Both had relaxed a little in the other's presence, and were now exchanging glances in a rather cheesy fashion through the steam of their bowls.

"I haven't," she acknowledged. She looked a little sad. "There's a reason."

He was not willing to dawdle much longer. His energy was renewed, his stomach replete, his clothes clean and suitably baggy to fit his tastes. He was talking to a girl his own age for the first time in three years, but a man with a destiny could not afford to be side-tracked.

"I won't press you for it," he said, "But I would like to be clarified on certain matters. I saw a man before, he had a kerchief wrapped around his head and seemed to be the owner, but he's gone now. He was talking to a boy called Naruto, who your panda hit on the head with a frying pan and is now lying unconscious in the kitchen."

She didn't seem to see anything strange about anything he had just said, so Neji came right out and asked. "What is going on around here? Your customers are cats. You do know they don't carry a lot of cash around to pay for meals, don't you?"

"Cats are all sorts of useful," she defended, "They bring good business!"

There was a strange snickering sound from the cats' table and Neji saw the huge mountain cat raise its paw to wave at him in the unmistakable manner of a traditional lucky cat statue.

His jaw dropped. He looked back at the girl. "Do they comprehend..?"

She nodded. "I have to tell you about a certain hot spring we all went to for kung fu training when I was younger."

"Kung fu training," he gave her a sharp look, "You said you quit."

"And my dad insisted on private tutoring," she sighed. "And we have these regular customers who are kung fu… enthusiasts… and they went with us. It turns out the springs were cursed and each pool contained the vengeful spirit of an animal that had drowned in it, and so any person who falls into the hot springs is afflicted with a transformation whenever he or she is doused with cold water. The condition is only reversible by getting soaked in hot water."

Neji stared at her. "That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

She pouted. "It's true."

There was a grunt, and they both looked up.

The panda stood by their table, and Neji noticed now it had a small patch of cloth doing a very inadequate job of covering its head. The large mammal was also swishing a young leafy bamboo shoot from one side of its jaw to the other.

It served them tea.

"Is your father… one of the cursed?" Neji decided to play along with the crazy girl. It was such a shame, she appeared so normal. To have trained these animals to the point of appearing almost intelligent, she was probably fixated on her little reality to be completely beyond cure.

"Dad," the girl said to the panda. "He doesn't believe me."

The panda set down the teapot, handed a filled cup to Tenten and Neji each, and straightened his apron a bit. Then, still standing on his hind legs, he gestured with his paws in a 'bring it on' fashion.

"Ew dad, no. I won't help you transform. You're in an apron. Just an apron."

Neji tossed the hot contents of his teacup on the animal. It would do well to show her how absurd her story was-

There was a "POOF!"

The shopkeeper from before was now standing in front of them, dripping, naked but for an apron and a head kerchief, chomping down on the bamboo shoot like a cigar and grinning.

"Ta da!" He raised his arms as if he had just performed a magic trick. Or a very odd strip act.

"Argh!" the girl was covering her eyes and grimacing.

Neji was flabbergasted. Taken aback. Blown away. Discombobulated. Dumbfounded. Flummoxed. Gobsmacked. Highly perturbed. In short, he was shocked and confused.

"My humble daughter has many shortcomings, but she isn't a liar," Genma told Neji. "Please, enjoy your tea."

"Whatever you do dad, don't turn around," the girl pleaded. Behind Genma, the cats were making retching noises at the sight of his bare butt. They leapt off the table and prowled closer to where the Neji sat.

Neji slowly blinked, then turned with a jerky movement back to face the table, processing the events. His hand moved on automatic to raise the teapot, and poured another cup of tea. The girl was looking at him, worried. The shopkeeper was patting along his apron pocket for a toothpick.

The Terror of the Five Lands noticed something about the teapot and cups.

"I know this tea set," he said in a distant voice, still not quite there. "We made them in pottery class when I was in the academy."

Then something clicked in his head and he looked at the brown-eyed girl in recognition. "I gave them as a farewell gift to a classmate. Her name was… Tenten."

Tenten.

Naruto had said the name of the false Dragon Warrior was Tenten.

Neji stood up, looking at his former classmate now with new eyes. So she had quit to become a teashop girl. It was so ironic. He began to chuckle.

"What's so funny?" Tenten asked. She remembered when Neji used to laugh as a little boy. He had always been reserved, so making him laugh or smile was a rare thing. It had been nice before. Now, it made her anxious.

"You are," he answered. "The fact that you quit the Academy and ended up chosen as the Dragon Warrior. You have no talent, no bloodline, nothing. You don't even like to fight."

She looked hurt at this and he gave her a condescending nod.

"Just give me the Dragon Scroll, Tenten. After all, you don't want the title."

They stared at each other, un-cheesy now. Then, she mumbled something and looked down.

"What was that?" Neji asked.

"I said," Tenten repeated, louder, "Nin-kame chose me. You don't take the title. It's given to you."

"So? Pass on the title to me then." He said, in a light teasing tone, "Would you like me to fight you for it? You'd lose."

"I wouldn't."

His expression changed. "Excuse me?"

She blinked at him. "Uh, forget I said that. More importantly, Neji, it's just a scroll. Not worth killing your entire family over. What happened to you after I left?"

"I don't have to explain myself to you," Neji said. He liked to talk, but there was a time and place for it. Like when he fought Naruto. That kid just brought out the chatterbox in Neji.

"It would probably be better if you didn't get him started, daughter," Genma agreed. "Are you guys done with your meal? I'm on a tight schedule having to run the shop and all, but they say it's bad luck to clear the table while someone's still eating. The belief is that any unmarried woman sitting at the table won't be able to find a husband if that happens."

The shop owner looked speculatively at Neji, then at Tenten. Then a gleam came into his eyes and he made a grab for the nearest bowl.

"Dad!" Tenten snatched the bowl away only to have Genma switch his objective to another bowl, then the utensils. Objects were tossed in the air and the two competing pairs of hands became a blur of super-fast movements as father and daughter wrestled to respectively pick up and keep the dinner ware on the table. The gust of air from their efforts cooled the tea rapidly, leaving Neji increasingly annoyed.

"Oooooiii…."

A long, low moan cut through the struggle and all eyes turned to see Naruto emerge from the kitchen, rubbing his head. "Uncle, why'd you have to do that? You don't feed me ramen when it's already the second day, you hit me, I'm starting to feel very unwelcome in this establishment."

"I'm done eating," Neji said flatly as he tossed his cup of now-cold tea onto the blonde boy in the orange jumpsuit.

"Gak!" Naruto spluttered, waving his arms. With a "Poof!" there was a beautiful blonde girl in baggy clothes.

Neji blinked. Theory confirmed. Tenten was not crazy. And a sexy female Naruto was easier to resist when clothed.

He found some comfort in the thought that he had at least not been assaulting a real woman in the rain. Although it still irked him that he had been beaten by the sight of fake boobs. And… fake everything else.

"Cursed spring of drowned girl?" he asked tentatively.

"Cursed spring of sexy _sexy_ drowned girl," Naruto corrected him. "Believe it!" he flashed a smile and Neji had to turn away, fighting a blush. He heard Tenten smother a giggle, and scowled.

"All right, sexy _sexy_ cursed boy, we'll get to your ramen soon enough," with stunning speed, Genma had cleared the table and was walking back into the kitchen. He called back over his shoulder, "Neji Hyuuga, Terror of the Five Lands, if you dare lay one finger on my Tenten-"

Neji raised an eyebrow, daring the man to continue.

"You have my blessing to wed. She seems to like you well enough. Go forth and give me many grandchildren."

"Dad," Tenten smacked a hand to her forehead.

"I don't want her, I just want the scroll," Neji said coolly.

"Well who says I wanted you?" Tenten retorted, turning a shade of tomato red.

"The panda did."

"What does he know!" Tenten huffed. "Look, you want the scroll? You tell me your back story. That's all I ask."

"…I don't do flashbacks."

"It's the greatest scroll in the five lands. Make an exception this one time." Tenten had a stubborn look he remembered from back during their Academy days.

Neji stared at her for a long moment. Then he sat down again, somewhat pacified. Where was that brat—Oh, there Naruto was, sitting dejectedly at the counter, looking hungry. Good. Somehow, having Naruto around put him in the proper mood to talk.

"It was a dark and stormy night…"

"Oh kami, we're in for it now," groaned Naruto, sinking his head down to be pillowed on his arms on the counter. "Hey, my girl arms are really soft!"

Ignoring the blockhead, Neji resumed his tale.

.

* * *

.

He was midway in his fulsome narrative and everyone listening had their eyes glazed over with what could either be extreme fascination in his story or utter boredom when the door burst open and three shadows overcast the restaurant entrance.

"I have heard," a gravelly voice said, "That a competitor has stolen our most voracious ramen customer from right beneath our noses."

"For shame," chimed in the female of the trio, "We don't try to draw away your customers by mimicking your disgusting Chinese food."

"Are you looking for another Metal Chef challenge?" the third gestured at Tenten with a clenched fist.

"Gaara!" Naruto squealed, "You're back!" He threw himself forward but a humungous spatula slapped his entire body sideways and napkins flew off all the tables with the force of wind accompanying the motion.

"Don't be overly familiar with the Ramen Master, stranger," the blond girl with frizzy ponytails snapped, and the painted boy who was not a cat but dressed up like one stepped forward as well, keeping his fist raised.

Naruto moaned in pain, not knowing how scandalous and suggestive his female voice sounded. "Ow, could you not attack me with such a huge thing?"

"Naruto!" Tenten sputtered. The three newcomers looked askance at Naruto, recognition dawning.

"What? It's really hard Tenten! I can't believe you endured something like that and didn't break anything."

"Shut up!" while Neji got loquacious when angered, words often failed Tenten when she was overcome with horror at unfolding events.

"Why?" Naruto complained, rubbing his tender female assets. He'd thought at first they would be useful as extra padding to protect his torso but it turned out they were just an additional weak spot that needed uncomfortable extra undergarments for support. Then his eyes turned to slits as he caught on to the double entendre of the situation.

"Oho. Naughty naughty Tenten! I bet Temari's big bad kitchen tool must be really satisfying when used the right way. And it's really good for spanking too." He made a suggestive butt-slapping gesture that mortified Tenten. Temari, on the other hand, merely smirked. She was used to innuendo about her freaking large spatula.

"I said shut up!" Tenten yelled.

"Soup's on!" Genma bustled through the kitchen door, now decently clad in regular cook's attire and bearing a steaming serving bowl of ramen. He had in fact been hiding from Neji's diatribe to save himself from an overdose of purple prose.

"There's enough ramen for everyone. Payment up front, of course."

Grumbling, the three newcomers slapped down some cash and sat at the table adjacent to Tenten and Neji. The first speaker, a boy with red hair and a facial tattoo that could mean he was either a punk or peacenik, cast Neji a searching glance before being distracted by the bowl set in front of him. His companions, the girl and cat-costumed Bunraku painted boy, likewise looked at Neji with some curiosity and vague disquiet, but held fast to their original objective and focused on the food at hand.

"This…" began the red-haired boy that Naruto had called Gaara. He stared at the ramen as if seeing it for the first time.

The other boy bit off a curse, even as he began to slurp with fervour. The girl called Temari just sniffed and tipped her bowl back, emptying it then handing back the bowl. "More please."

"…" Neji had not wanted to tell his life story in the first place so now he was faced with the dilemma. Should he or should he not kill these three arrogant newcomers who had so rudely interrupted his reluctantly-told tale?

"Ah, Neji," Tenten could practically follow his train of thought after being subjected to his rambling narrative for nearly an hour, and sought to head him off. "I got the story. You were being forced to comply with the Hyuuga tradition of placing a cursed seal on the members of the Branch family. Being a free, independent spirit, you took pre-emptive measures and tried to kill everyone in the Main House. And you thought the best way to forever escape the shadow of the clan was to establish yourself as the strongest warrior in the lands, by becoming the Dragon Warrior."

He stared at her, unable to believe she had condensed his hour-long rant on fate into three sentences.

"Oh," Naruto put down his third bowl of ramen, "So that's what happened. I got lost after he said supercalifragilisticexpialid ocious or something wordy like that."

"Precocious. I said I was a precocious child." Neji gritted.

"Not to mention atrocious," muttered Genma, pasting on a smile when Neji quirked a suspicious eyebrow at him.

"You are mistaken, however, in your statement that I 'tried' to kill everyone in the Main House," Neji said, deciding to ignore Genma. "I did kill everyone in the Main House."

"Actually," a new voice drawled, "You didn't. Not a single one. It was a worthy attempt though, for a thirteen-year old."

Neji jerked at having been caught unawares, springing up from the table and swiftly taking stock of the three cloaked strangers suddenly sitting at the table right behind him. His eyes narrowed, taking in the powerful ki energy that he could sense only now. It was a shock, since the large blue man was emitting it in almost suffocating waves, and the other two, a pale boy with a ponytail and a man with a mysterious mask, were obviously just reining in their own extraordinary power. That they had concealed it so completely from his Byakugan was a testament to their skill. And his self-absorption when waxing oratorical.

"Dammit, where did they come from?" Temari swore, pushing back her own chair and hovering protectively over Gaara, spatula drawn. The as-yet unidentified boy in a cat costume and puppet theatre paint, who looked like he might answer to the name Kankuro, had likewise taken up a defensive position, although still trailing a stray noodle which he sucked hastily into his mouth. Gaara dabbed his lips with a napkin calmly.

"Don't get all worked up, we are not here for either him or Naruto," the masked man who had spoken earlier said in a placating tone. "Our therapy sessions with Genma have cured us of our unhealthy fixation with vessels of demonic energy."

"Aside from the fact that said vessels were exorcised of demonic energy years ago, and the energy turned out not to be demonic but actually life energy intertwined with nature and human existence," Genma added, rapidly cleaning up tables as he spoke.

"What he said," Naruto affirmed, reaching for his eighth bowl, only to find the serving container empty, "Hey Uncle, you said there was enough for everybody! I'm part of everybody and I'm still hungry!"

"No more soup for you! Gaara is here after all to take you back to their place at Ichiraku's."

"On second thought, you can keep him," Gaara said, "He never has enough money to pay."

"Tenten," wailed Naruto, embracing the frozen girl, squeezing his ample womanly curves against Tenten's less developed ones, just to rub it in. "How terrible it is to be unwanted, isn't it? You by the man you desire, me, by my ramen suppliers."

"You know what, Naruto, you could have a serious ramen problem." Tenten retorted, eyeing Temari's spatula with the apparent intention of borrowing it to use on a sexy sexy moron.

"Oho," the blue man, Kisame, rumbled with a laugh. "A ramen junkie eh? We have just the cure."

"_Enough_!"

.

* * *

.

Neji had discovered the secret of the teashop's strange denizens and even if he didn't understand half of it, he didn't want to hear anymore.

"I want my scroll Tenten. I've told my story, or rather, you've condensed it to the bare minimum, leaving out many subtle particulars which gave depth and substance to the telling, and now it is your turn to reciprocate."

There was an expectant hush as the rest of those present watched for the Dragon Warrior's response to the fiery demand by the Terror of the Five Lands.

"Okay," Tenten said.

She handed it over.

Neji took it.

And left.

"Huh," Genma said. "Daughter, you may have neatly ended the most epic story of your life with that simple gesture. I think we can jot this little episode down as a nice anecdote on our placemats and wrap up the ending with 'and the girl who had never wanted to be the Dragon Warrior lived happily ever after, peacefully serving tea in this wonderful shop, and her wise and loving father finally imparted to her the secret ingredient to the famous Soup Number Five, eventually passing into legend…'

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!" Neji's bellow from outside the restaurant coincided with Tenten's "Really Dad? That's great!"

The door of the restaurant was smashed to smithereens as the furious Terror of the Five Lands made his reappearance, holding the shiny, golden, completely blank scroll.

.

.

* * *

A/N: Ooh, finally a showdown.

Well, till next time! Ffnet's changes to the site make reviewing that much easier now (hint hint). Hahaha, anyway, thanks for the reviews, faves and follows. Really appreciate it!


	10. Kung Fu Hustle

Neji was so angry, he had turned a strange purple color. He huffed and puffed and pointed straight at Tenten, apoplectic with rage.

"We should go," Itachi murmured to his companions. "Exposure to violence makes Kisame too excitable."

"Aw, can't we watch at least till they spill first blood?" Kisame pleaded and tried to do The Eyes but it just didn't have the same effect when he wasn't a cat.

"No, you can't be in the same room with Neji right now. His weird purple shade just clashes with your skin," Tobi agreed genially, taking Kisame by one arm while Itachi placed a deceptively gentle hand on the other. "Come on, let's continue our warm up vocalizations on the roof."

They blurred out of sight.

Genma was furiously writing with chalk on a wooden board the amount of money Neji owed him now when he realized he was no longer a panda and could talk. "Hey!" he shouted, "You're paying for that door!"

"I DON'T CARE! WHERE IS THE REAL SCROLL?"

"That is the real scroll," Tenten said as bravely as she could, which meant, of course, that it came out as a squeak of fright.

"Yeah, you tell 'im, Tenten!" Naruto cheered, then scratched his head. "Wait, the Dragon Scroll is just an empty parchment?"

Gaara nodded, immediately realizing the lesson of the story, "The Scroll is a lie. There are no heroes in this world, only villains. The Dragon Warrior is a myth fed to the masses to save them from utter despair."

Temari and Kankuro gaped in admiration at their clever brother.

"No!" Tenten shook her head, exasperated , "It means that a blank scroll, even the Dragon Scroll, is just that, blank, until you yourself decide what it should contain- what special or awesome things to put in it!" she said. "Didn't any of you study basic sealing and summoning?"

"I think Gaara's explanation makes more sense," Temari said.

"I agree," Kankuro seconded.

"What I think-," Naruto began loudly. They all turned to him.

"Is that Uncle should be cooking more ramen," he suggested with a bright smile to Genma. He was pelted with chopsticks.

With an inarticulate sound of rage, Neji blew a tremendous blast of ki energy at the girl who had mocked his dreams. She stood like a frightened deer caught in the headlights of a certain type of vehicle the technology for which had not yet been invented at the time of the setting of this story.

A gust of wind blew Tenten out of the line of fire and she crashed into the wall as everyone else sprang away to avoid the attack. The force of Neji's projected energy blew a hole straight through to the kitchen and Genma threw away his signboard and chalk in disgust. He knew he should have gotten insurance.

Tenten groaned, picking herself out of the Tenten-shaped crevice she had molded into the wall.

"You're welcome," Temari called to her from the other side of the room.

"I wasn't thanking you!"

"Such ingratitude," Temari said in a singsong voice but Tenten was out of earshot already, having run at full speed out of the restaurant with Neji hot on her heels.

"And here I thought having a man chase after my daughter would be good news," Genma grumbled, picking up the 'Closed' sign and hanging it on an available splinter of wood.

* * *

Tenten tore pell-mell down the street, various crashes and explosions sounding behind her as ki blast after ki blast came barreling in her direction.

"I'm telling you the truth!" she wailed, chancing a look behind her and squeaking in terror when she saw Neji catching up.

"Then having the Scroll proves nothing, and the only way I will be acknowledged as the true Dragon Warrior is by defeating you, who was speciously proclaimed as such, for good," Neji declared.

"Stop it with the hard words!" she cried as she consulted her handy pocket dictionary while running.

Neji had to admit, Tenten was quick on her feet. He had to stop her from moving so he could get her in his circle of divination. Aiming carefully, he threw a ki blast at a watermelon cart, shattering the wood and boosting the cannon-ball sized fruit at near-fatal velocities towards the girl in front of him.

Tenten shrieked, bringing out a kitchen knife from out of nowhere and slicing through the watermelons in a gory splatter. She didn't slow down in the slightest, surprising Neji. It was as if she was used to having objects thrown at her. He cursed and renewed the chase, not noticing the fruit falling to the ground had been sliced into perfect serving portions for teashop customers.

Shimmying up the rain pipe of a nearby house to scale the wall, Tenten reached the roof top and began to leap across the buildings, Neji not far behind. He wasn't bothering with ki blasts anymore, she was too fast for that, but she felt the waves of killing intent pouring out of him and she didn't dare look back to see her doom in his eyes.

They came to the edges of the village where the houses were fewer and spaced farther between. She figured Neji wouldn't be able to follow her across the roofs. She was lighter and should be able to travel farther on a jump. She put on an extra burst of speed and shot off the edge—

When an arm snapped out, grabbing her leg, pulling her body round in an arc and throwing her down back on the roof.

Tenten crashed through the thatched straw covering the barn they had landed on and into the rafters below, dropping into a pile of hay.

Neji followed, giving no respite. He approached her prone form and gathered energy into his hand to land a definitive blow on her ki centers and finish her off.

The Dragon Warrior panicked. She reached for whatever she had available.

Before Neji could press the attack, he was suddenly met with an explosion of knives and various other kitchen tools Tenten had stored in the scroll in her other pocket.

She stared in awe as he burst into a whirling sphere of energy, deflecting every utensil away and leaving him unscathed.

He looked with distaste at the forks and knives strewn across the floor, "What a disgraceful attack, Tenten. You are completely undeserving of the title of Dragon Warrior."

Then he rushed her, hands flashing to paralyze her various ki points. He was thwarted by Tenten's desperate wielding of a frying pan to cover the body part targeted by each attack, before dropping the makeshift shield and managing to snag the fingers on both his hands between chopsticks held in her own.

"Ow!" the sticks pinched his knuckles painfully. Before Neji could break the chopsticks, Tenten gathered all her strength and head butted him exactly where a cursed seal would have been placed on his forehead in another time, in another universe.

Neji's world went black, as did Tenten's.

.

.

.

A/N: Yes. I tired of this story and killed them. Kidding. It's a concussion of love. Or youth. One can never tell with these two.


	11. Neji vs Neji

_'Am I… dead?'_

Neji Hyuuga floated in an endless abyss, attempting to wrap his mind around the possibility that he had been knocked senseless and, ultimately, lifeless, by a mere scrap of a teashop girl.

Despite the niggling doubt that he no longer had corporeal form and it was only his spirit that was drifting aimlessly in the darkness, Neji managed to twitch in annoyance. He thought his end would have come in a more dramatic fashion. Perhaps while fighting a legendary ten-tailed demon and being impaled by a sharp wooden spike, his last words a meaningful and memorable soliloquy to unite the populace against an incomparable foe.

But no. He had been beaten, by head bonk, by a girl.

It wasn't fair.

'_Neji. Chill._'

Neji whipped around so fast his hair swatted him in the face, which was very strange given that he seemed to be adrift within the realm of his subconscious, but the sensation was reassuring nonetheless. It meant he had some form and mass in this fathomless void.

'_Always with the heavy language, man. Lighten up_.'

His gaze met pitch black eyes. Long hair framed a gaunt, pale face that was eerily familiar.

"Who are you?"

The smirk that the young man threw at him was likewise unsettling in its knowledge. As if the person in front of him could pierce into his core and see everything inside. Not even the clan head of the Hyuuga could penetrate into Neji's darkest secrets.

'_I'm your good persona. Your conscience, if you will_.'

Good-Neji looked very calm. He radiated serenity and peace. His hair was tied back exactly in the same style, and his clothes were traditional Hyuuga garb.

"Of course you are," Neji scoffed. "This is another Sharingan trick."

He focused his energy. "Byakugan!"

He was stunned to see chakra pathways of the person before him were identical to his own.

Good-Neji grinned at him, an open, amiable grin that made Neji sick to his stomach. '_Told you. We've got a lot to talk about, you and I.'_

_._

* * *

_._

Meanwhile, Tenten woke up while being mauled by a bear. A plush, cuddly, super soft panda bear, but still, a bear. Mauling her.

"Agh! Daaaad!" she was shaken like a floppy stuffed toy in the grasp of another floppy stuffed toy, before the giant panda dropped her in disgust, grumbling as he ambled over to the Terror of the Five Lands, who was twitching on the floor and grimacing in the throes of some unpleasant dream. He seemed to do that a lot.

Tenten blinked in the sunlight streaming from the hole in the barn roof as she lay sprawled on the straw-covered floor, then idly reached up and wiped some sticky dampness off her face. She stared in horror at the red stain on her hand.

"I'm bleeding! I'm dying from loss of blood!"

She wailed and sobbed and had hysterics for a few seconds until she noticed Genma was taking absolutely no notice of her and three cats were actually licking at the red liquid likewise coating her ankles and feet.

Tenten skittered away in horror at the vampire cats who meowed and purred at her in amusement.

"Ano, Tenten-chan," Hinata was beside her, leaning down in concern. "It's just watermelon juice." The Hyuuga girl had apparently tracked them down after visiting the teashop and finding it in shambles.

Kisame approached Tenten and gave a long lick alongside her calf to demonstrate, eyes narrowed into slits of laughter at her expense. Tenten 'ach'd!' and hugged her legs to her torso, drawing them out of lick-range.

The barn door blew open, Temari and Kankuro peering inside.

"Has the clan-killer finished off our restaurant rivals, so we can finally establish a village-wide monopoly on all things soup and noodly?" the spatula-wielder demanded.

"Temari," Gaara's voice came from somewhere without, "We should beat them in fair competition, not assassinate them." His siblings glanced back at him in surprise.

"Killing them would be too easy," he explained. He turned to glance at someone behind him. "I've brought someone who can help anyone who's injured."

A pink-haired girl was pushed into the barn, gently. She looked flustered and cute.

"Um, well, I'm just an apprentice really." She pressed a finger to her lower lip, eyelashes a-flutter. Tenten stared in admiration at the picture of femininity she presented. "My name's Haruno Sakura. So, who's hurt?"

Genma grunted, and waved the apprentice over so she could treat Neji. The girl took one look at the gigantic panda gesturing at her, and squawked, "The hell is that thing doing here?"

All pretence at demure charm vanishing in an instant, she dropped into battle stance, "Get away from that poor defenceless boy, you beast!" She lifted a huge, heavy plow and THREW it at Genma. "My Sharona!"

'What does that even mean?' Tenten mouthed at Hinata, who shrugged. Genma ducked just in time, his animal reflexes even faster than his human ones. Unfortunately, the plow headed straight for the prone Neji.

"ETVP!" Hinata shouted, pushing a directed wave of ki energy at the plow, knocking it off course. Then she looked at the quizzical Tenten, suddenly blushing and doing that fidgety thing with her hands, looking cuter than Sakura could ever hope to emulate. "I just abbreviate the Eight Trigrams Vacuum Palm technique when I use it, because it takes too long to say. Neji would have been squished by then."

"What I don't get is why you even have to announce it to the public in the first place," Tenten produced a towel from her pocket scrolls and some warm water, wiping off the fruit juice on her body as best she could. "It's not like you're a character in a comic series with popularity polls and databooks compiled about your personal information by rabid fans."

They all looked at Tenten in shock, even Sakura, who halted her attempt to pound a panda. The panda took this opportunity to begin scribbling furiously on a signboard, 'Actually, Tenten-'

His revelation was interrupted by another dramatic entrance, this time by a large, flightless bird, upon which rode Lee, Deidara, and Shino. The bird kicked up a cloud of dust as it clanked to a halt on its ungainly legs, making angry, complaining bird sounds and tossing its head on its long neck up and down in sheer annoyance.

"Aw shut it Sasuke, don't be such an emo, un," Deidara snapped, before he started to laugh, "Oh wait, you _are_ an emu."

Jaws dropped, while a loud, yowling noise began from the trio of cats, who had all collapsed on the floor, the earsplitting racket signifying either their intention to mate, or the uncontrollable impulse to laugh their tails off.

"Tenten!" Lee leapt off the bird they seem to have named after a Kung Fu master, "We are so glad to see you intact! We thought Neji had destroyed you!"

"I'm touched you have such faith in my skills," Tenten said, allowing Lee to hug her nevertheless. She used his green jumpsuit to rub off some of the watermelon juice. He didn't notice.

"Un, I get a hug too!"

"If two of the Kung Fu masters are able to hug the Dragon Warrior, should not the rest of them follow suit?"

"Back off Shino, I'm hugging her so I can test out my newly reattached arms, un."

"Your arms were reattached?" Tenten was dazed as she was transferred from one embrace to another without so much as a by-her-leave. Emu!Sasuke gave her a cursory peck on the head.

"Yep, Neji blew them off, and a dormouse sewed them back on," Deidara produced a pair of little mice from his pocket, looking sleepy and homicidal, respectively. "Meet Kakuzu and Hidan. I used to travel with them, un, before I went to Hokage mountain and they went into some sort of rehab group. It seems that they— Yaah!"

The mice squeaked and dove into Deidara's shirt just as he was beset by three wild cats, which clawed and scratched at him until they were all splashed with a bucket of hot water that Tenten was carrying in yet _another_ scroll. Honestly, what would everyone do without her?

Deidara couldn't help but scream as two naked men burst out of his clothes.

The cats and oversized bird transformed back into humans as well. Between the five of them there was barely a stitch of clothing to cover their asses. Deidara whimpered as he suffered a sudden flashback of unwillingly sharing body heat a freezing cold night not long ago.

"You want a piece of me, huh, Tobi?" snarled a well-hung, white-haired guy.

Tenten smacked her hand against her eyes as Hinata once again quietly fainted in a corner. Sakura gasped and began to search for popcorn.

The Ramen Siblings took one long look at the scene, and decided to come back later.

"It was feline instinct! Why are you only picking on Tobi when Itachi and Kisame were after you too?!" Obito's scarred visage with mismatched eyes glared at Hidan before conjuring his mask from the void and replacing it firmly on his face. He covered nothing else.

Genma sighed, growling at his daughter to splash him as well.

"All RIGHT," he clapped his hands sharply as the danger levels in the barn spiked. "What is our mantra?"

The teahouse regulars turned to him, and then grinned and began to sing:

_I believe in miracles, where you from, you sexy thing? (You sexy thang you)_

"NO." Genma cursed. They always got like this when they were all naked.

"I don't know about any mantra," Sasuke grumbled. He pouted at Itachi, "So all this time, you were a cat."

The older Uchiha poked him lightly on the forehead, "Yes. Sorry, little bro. I was sent undercover to sabotage the criminal organization called Akatsuki. The cat transformation was not exactly deliberate, but as you can see," he gestured at the other unclad men, "They've been reformed. With the invaluable help of Genma Saotome and Toad Sage Jiraiya," he paused, and added as an afterthought, "The Dragon Warrior served tea during our therapy sessions. It was very good. We now perform as a rock band called 'The Dawn'."

"I'll show you reformed," Hidan snarled, but Kakuzu put a stop to his murderous tendencies by splashing him again with cold water from a feeding trough, much to Sakura's disappointment. In place of a nude, good looking crazy person, there was now a dormouse, frothing at the mouth, raving at them in squeaks, until it wore itself out.

"I'm here!" Naruto burst in with excessive energy, before glancing around open-mouthed. "Wow, is there a strip poker game going on in here?"

'Let me kill him, it won't be a bad thing," Kisame begged Itachi, "It'd be a service to humanity." He again tried The Eyes, and it was just as ineffective as last time. "Just take one of his legs off. It'll grow back when you throw cold water on him, promise."

"He is not a starfish. Let the boy be," Itachi calmed his partner. "Obito, are you all right?"

"Tobi is a good boy!" the masked individual said.

Itachi nodded, but after exchanging a brief glance with a perturbed-looking Genma, decided to leave nothing to chance. He puffed up his cheeks.

Sasuke's eyes activated the Sharingan, eager to copy an apparent variation in the Great Fireball clan technique developed by his elder brother, the acknowledged prodigy of the Uchiha.

Itachi released a puff of smoke. Then another. Then another. The smoke clouds wafted upwards and through the hole in the roof, into the sky.

"What… is he doing?"

"Smoke signal," Genma glanced about for a straw, plucking one out from a nearby stack of hay and sticking it into his mouth, "Summoning the big bosses."

"Tobi already said he was all right," Kakuzu spoke up for the first time, sounding disgruntled, "We don't need a parole check."

"Tobi sounded a little sarcastic," Genma grunted, "Very strong chance of a relapse in that one."

"Who are the big bosses?" Tenten and Naruto asked almost simultaneously.

Raucous, off-key singing was heard from far off, but approaching more rapidly than one would expect from what sounded like a pair of drunken revellers. In seconds, the entrance to the barn was overshadowed by two figures. The duo would have been impressive-looking if they hadn't also appeared completely sloshed.

"Eheh. Hee hee heh," the Hokage hung off the shoulder of a wild-looking middle-aged man, with spiky white hair falling down to his waist, and red markings drawn like tear tracks on both side of his face. "It was not the greatest sake in the world, no, Jiraiya? Perhaps we could label it as a 'tribute' to it."

Jiraiya chuckled, "Couldn't remember the best drink in the world, oh no. That was just a tribute. "

They sniggered and made incoherent noises at each other for a while that sounded suspiciously like Tenten's 'scat singing' that her father so detested, before eventually turning to the group inside the barn that stared at them dumbstruck.

"So," the Hokage slurred. "Whazzap?" She took in the various states of undress of the men and rolled her eyes. "Wait, wait, I have some money on me here somewhere. Are you done dancing?"

At the possibility of cash, Kakuzu immediately began humming an appropriate tune for a full monty performance. Kisame looked ready to harmonize and was beginning to shake his booty, until Tobi again drew materials from the alternate dimension he had access to, and threw them all extra clothes.

"You have to teach me that," Tenten wheedled, as she returned her own items into her scrolls. Tobi gave a slow Sharingan wink behind his mask.

"Trade secret, Dragon Warrior."

Genma cleared his throat. "Hokage-sama. We're honoured by your presence, and by that of Toad Sage Jiraiya. Just wanted to update you that a few more have fallen into the cursed springs." He paused, then added, "And the Dragon Warrior has defeated Neji Hyuuga, as predicted."

"Eh?" all the boys who'd kept their clothes on stared at Tenten, "No way!"

"Stop, you're embarrassing me," Tenten said dryly.

The Hokage 'pffed', "Well, there was never any doubt about that. She's completely his type. Patient, kind, neither envious, boastful, nor proud. She doesn't dishonor others, isn't self-seeking, not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs. She always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

"That's so… poetic," Deidara said.

"Unoriginal, you mean," Sasuke muttered. But he did glance at Tenten in a new light. Since it was approaching sunset, and the lighting coming from the roof had changed, hence the new light.

"Ah, that does sound like Tenten," Naruto grinned, earning him a wide smile from said Dragon Warrior.

"And like Hinata!" Tenten said with all the subtlety of a plow being thrown straight at someone. In fact, the plow had probably been subtler. Naruto was particularly dense, though.

"Huh? Oh yeah, I guess she's all of that too. Hey, what's she doing on the floor?"

They all stifled groans as Shino quietly ushered Naruto to go help the unconscious girl. Oblivious to the blatant match-making, Naruto wondered why they thought he could revive an unconscious girl who was bleeding out of her nose when the greatest medic in China and her apprentice were right there.

"While being his 'type' may have allowed Tenten an advantage to catch Neji unawares, she did beat him in an actual fight though," Genma hid his own pride well, "Killed him too."

Sakura shot up in alarm, "What? That can't be! He was alive earlier."

"Yes, but someone who could have spent her time providing crucial emergency medical treatment instead attacked a hapless panda that wasn't doing anything to anyone."

Sakura squealed and ran to Neji, with the Hokage approaching to lend a hand.

.

* * *

.

Neji was locked in mortal combat with his own alternate persona.

"_Give it up, bro. I know all your moves_." Good-Neji's smile was benign and supremely annoying.

"But were you taught by Maito Gai?" Neji attacked again, was thwarted again. "His only strategy when pitted against a foe equal in all aspects of skill and power is to simply surpass himself and therefore transcend his opponent! A crude and one-dimensional viewpoint perhaps, but eminently applicable to a crude, one-dimensional existence such as y-"

While he was talking, good-Neji stepped in and punched him.

When Neji toppled down, good-Neji moved in and lay into him with bare-knuckled fists.

"_I call this_," good-Neji intoned, striking Terror again, "_The Ungentle Fist Technique."_

"Harsh," Neji coughed, trying to fend off the blows, "There are so many other- ow! – alternatives. Tough. Cruel. Punitive. 'Ungentle' is so awkwar—argh!"

Good-Neji finally shut Neji up.

"_Ungentle Fist Technique_," Good-Neji repeated, dusting himself off with a grin.


	12. Exit the Dragon

They all drew back as the Terror of the Five Lands sat up. Naruto instinctively blocked the still-unconscious Hinata from sight, and Sakura cowered behind Sasuke, who completely ignored her.

"Hey," Neji said, gingerly feeling his forehead and wincing, "How're you guys? Tenten okay?"

They waited for him to say more. He inclined his head in puzzlement. "What?"

"Aren't you gonna, you know, expostulate?" Genma asked. "We've allotted at least twenty minutes for you to say stuff before we talk."

Neji shook his head slowly. "Hit my head. Still a bit woozy but am fine. How's Tenten?"

Tenten stepped forward. "I'm fine. Dad always said I was hard-headed. Are you sure you're feeling all right?"

Neji chuckled. "I'm good. Head's even harder than yours." He slowly stood up and the Hokage drew back, eyeing him strangely. "Hokage-sama. Thank you for healing me."

"It was nothing," the Hokage gave him a piercing stare. "Do you remember what happened before you were knocked out?" She wanted to shine a light into his optics to assess his status, but since his pupils were the same color as the rest of his eyes, there wasn't any point.

"Yeah," he scratched the back of his head. "Unwarranted attack on a cute girl. My bad. Sorry Tenten. I have… issues."

They were stumped at the complete turnaround in Neji's personality.

"Tenten," the Hokage said, "What did you DO to him?"

Tenten looked just as clueless. "Well, he came at me, and I head butted him."

They looked even more disbelieving. "Neji Hyuuga is a master at the Eight Trigrams Palm Revolving Heaven, and you were able to get past his perfect defense and head butt him?" the Hokage clarified.

"I had a frying pan and some chopsticks…" Tenten trailed off. She was a little hazy on how everything had turned out too.

"I underestimated you, that's all," Neji offered graciously. "Looked down on you for choosing a different path from martial arts, because all I valued was skill in battle. Now I realize we each have a purpose in life, and people need to eat good food, and appreciate polite, efficient service. You provide it in your teahouse. I was wrong to try to kill you."

Tenten blushed. They shared a long, intimate look, while everyone else rolled their eyes.

Itachi was amused, "You have to admit it now, Tenten, the games we played with you during the therapy sessions while you tried to serve us tea paid off."

She grimaced at him, "That was plain torture and you know it." She shuddered at the memory of the various obstacles and traps they set up to torment her every time Genma sent her to the dining area while the sessions were ongoing.

"Aha," Genma struck a fist into his palm. "I know! You let Neji have your soup, right, Tenten?"

She nodded. "It was our usual. Number Five."

The shop owner nodded. "That had a special SPECIAL secret ingredient in it. I was actually using you as my test subject for the very first dish made from that recipe."

Tenten's incensed "WHAT?!" and resulting chase of her father around the barn was entertaining but did little to explain the mystery.

The Dawn had lost interest in the proceedings and were grouping together to discuss their next gig. Kakuzu was calmly sewing together Deidara's shirt (he had been partly to blame for its sorry condition, after all) while they talked about the possibility of using Naruto's sexy sexy transformation in their performance.

"Get Hinata to join up too, and maybe Konan will finally agree to being our female vocalist," Kisame rumbled, casually holding out an arm to oblige Tenten's yell for assistance as Genma utilized a lesser form of the Flying Thunder God Technique to flicker out of her reach and onto the rafters. She leapt from the floor and vaulted off Kisame's arm onto the wooden beams on the roof and began a fight in earnest against her oldest opponent, her father.

"What was in that soup! Poison?" she shrieked, throwing kicks and punches that Genma avoided with growing difficulty. "I can't believe it! Your own daughter! You're always doing this to me!"

"I'd never intentionally put you in harm's way, Tenten, " Genma protested, throwing a carving knife at her.

"The Hokage Mountain! The Akatsuki! This KNIFE!" Tenten shrilled, catching and spinning round to whip the knife right back at her father. "You put me in harm's way all the time! What does the ingredient do, make you crazy?"

Below, Neji and the rest of them stared up at the duelling family and increasing volume of cutlery flying thick and fast through the air. "And I thought I had issues," Neji said.

"It was water specially imported from Turtle Island from the Waterfalls of Truth," Genma shouted back. "Once you enter a meditative state, or slip into unconsciousness, just as Neji did, your true self will emerge and you'll be forced to reckon with your choices in the past!"

Seven pairs of ears perked up at that and focused intently on the father-daughter exchange. They were all thinking the same thing: Could using such an ingredient possibly counteract the effects of a Cursed Spring and return those afflicted to their 'true selves?'

Tenten stopped her assault, breathing hard. "So Neji has confronted his inner self and emerged a nice guy?" she asked.

Lee whooped and stuck a thumb up at Neji, inviting his former team mate to strike a Nice Guy Pose together. Neji shook his head.

"But why would you want _me_ to eat it?" Tenten whined.

"It was meant to improve the flavor and provide a more satisfying dining experience," Genma said. "Besides, you're the Dragon Warrior Tenten, but you don't accept it. You cannot run from it forever. That soup would have shown you the truth."

"Dad," Tenten said, exasperated, "The Dragon Scroll is blank. I get to write what's in it. I can be any kind of warrior I want to be. I can be a- a- Cooking Master Dragon Warrior!"

Genma looked stunned.

"It is not blank," the Hokage stressed. "It's reflective. You see yourself in it. Which means the secret to true martial arts is not something external but recognizing the power inherent within you."

"You already read the scroll?!"

"So I could have just asked?" Neji scratched his head.

"YES, you could have asked, but Neji, my boy, what did happen three years ago was actually a good thing," the Hokage said. "Your attack opened my eyes to the oppression and dangerous clannishness of the Hyuuga and, while you were protected by the Uchiha, I contacted Jiraiya to deal with your family."

"Hokage," Neji said, "With due respect, I'm a little more laid back now, but three years' imprisonment is still not what I'd call 'protection'."

The Hokage glared at Itachi, who shrugged. "The Uchiha are pretty messed up too," he said by way of explanation. "And we did have the prison already available and secure." He turned to Neji, "Is Shisui okay?"

"I blinded him, but he was still alive when I left the prison."

Tsunade added, "I dropped by the prison afterwards, everyone who could be saved has been fully healed." She gave Neji a sympathetic glance, "The gruel served there was rather bland, but very nutritious I assure you. It was the only way to keep you safe from Hyuuga retribution, Neji, until Jiraiya did what was necessary."

They all looked at the Toad Sage, who had fallen asleep through all the excitement. He was propped up against a wooden beam, snoring loudly.

"And dare I ask what this necessary thing was?" Neji said.

The Hokage smirked. "I can show you. Naruto, is your girlfriend awake yet?"

Naruto blinked. "I have a girlfriend?" He glanced around.

Hinata sat up behind him, quite awake all of a sudden. Thunderclouds began to gather above her, "Who is this girlfriend?" she asked softly, dangerously.

"Forget I said anything," the Hokage said hurriedly. "Hinata Hyuuga, come reunite with your cousin, the Terror of the Five Lands."

Neji leaned to look past Naruto. "Heya, cuz."

Hinata paled and stumbled up into a fighting stance. Neji held up a conciliatory hand.

"S'cool. Sorry for going bonkers on you a few years ago. Tenten's head butt and Genma's soup of the day did what three years in the slammer couldn't. I've seen the error of my ways."

Hinata lowered her guard, looking at Neji with concern. "Really, Neji-niisan? You're not going to try to kill everyone anymore?"

"Nope."

The Hokage tutted, eager to get on with her demonstration. "Hinata, I want to show Neji he no longer has to fear the branding of branched family members among the Hyuuga. There's an alternative method that will protect your eye techniques and Jiraiya made sure you were all on equal footing in this one."

The Hyuuga heiress nodded, and took a water pouch from her belt. "Watch, nii-san."

She poured the cool liquid on herself.

A poof! And there were whiskers, a snout, gentle brown eyes and two flippers and sleek, dark blue fur covering the marine mammal from tip to tail.

"Oh wow!" Naruto was overcome. He threw his arms around Hinata's neck and hugged, "You are the cutest thing ever, Hinata-chan! I didn't know seals came in your color!"

The Hokage grinned in triumph at the thunderstruck Neji. "Cursed Spring of Drowned Navy Seal. Jiraiya trapped your family in a Toad Mouth Bind technique and transported them all to the same springs that transformed Naruto and the others. When they're in seal form, their Byakugan doesn't exist. Now it's a simple technique to create a seal to automatically activate a water jutsu at the moment of death, soaking the body and triggering transformation. And since everyone's been cursed, the Main House Hyuugas have been knocked down a notch. They all know what it's like to be at the mercy of a force beyond their control. They'll behave."

"Just as we have, so far," Tobi muttered under his breath.

"Obaa-san! Hinata's fainted again! What do I do?" Naruto gripped the limp, soft form to him in panic. Even transformed, Hinata was weak against Naruto's animal magnetism.

"Maybe a kiss will awaken the princess," Jiraiya suggested, having cracked open an eye and pulled out a notebook so he could jot down notes. So Naruto did, and seal!Hinata began to nose bleed all over him for his efforts. Jiraiya sighed and put away his notes.

"Wh-where are they now?" Neji asked, voice faint.

"Sunning themselves on a beach somewhere," Jiraiya said. "Take you there when you're ready, m'boy."

"So no one's dead?" Neji remembered the bodies, ki centers permanently blocked, circulation halted.

"That was your first encounter with the Kotoamastukami technique," Itachi murmured. "False memories were implanted into your mind. Shisui was always the best at it."

"Although," Tsunade said severely, "Intensive psychological assessments showed for the past three years that you never regretted your actions, and you truly would have killed your clan if given the chance."

Neji bowed his head. But only for a moment. He glanced up with a gleam in his eye, "They wished to protect the secrets of the Byakugan by cursing me. And yet, I remained for three whole years in the charge of Uchiha, who did nothing whatsoever to experiment on my eyes. What does that say about the fairness of the Hyuuga treatment of the branch family?"

"It just means the Uchiha weren't interested in the Byakugan," Itachi said. "The Rinnegan held so much more promise. You're lucky we pressured Konan and Yahiko to plead with Nagato to cooperate and provide the Uchiha with intel on his doujutsu in exchange for keeping you safe. Other clans may not have been so lenient."

"Nagato is such a sucker," Kisame snickered.

Neji and the rest of the younger group were rather at a loss at all these references to persons and backstories they would probably never learn about because this really wasn't supposed to adhere so closely to canon but it just kept happening.

"Then why spread Neji's reputation as Terror of the Five Lands?" Shino, for once, was not asking a rhetorical question. "What was the point of the prophecy about the Dragon Warrior?"

Genma and the Hokage only grinned.

"Let me see," Genma bit down on his thumb to make a tiny nick, and brought his hands down in a summoning seal. "Nin-kame! I choose you!"

There was a puff of smoke and a large green turtle appeared, incongruously perched atop a green man, who was in mid-lope. Gai tripped and fell face down into a hay pile, Nin-kame toppling off and spinning wildly across the barn house floor like a giant hockey puck.

"Dad, you can summon Nin-kame too?!" Tenten asked, shocked.

Genma shrugged, "Gai and I were team mates long ago. We became acquainted with a number of kung fu turtles." He began to tick them off on his fingers, "Let's see… there was Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello… "

Gai shot up, straw sticking out of his collar and sleeves, looking this way and that, "Hokage sama! We were abducted via machang!" His gaze fell upon Tenten, "By my beloved student, the Dragon Warrior!" he pointed at her and burst into tears.

Genma thumped Tenten on the back, "It goes against my principles to admit outright how proud I am of you, daughter, but let's just say I've been trying to send Gai a thousand miles away for years. You've accomplished something I haven't."

Tenten's eyes sparkled. She clasped her hands together. "So am I advanced enough to learn the original secret ingredient to Number Five?" she asked.

The teashop owner immediately withdrew his hand and his expression grew slightly disinterested. "What a strong wind is blowing through the barn. I can hardly hear anything in the gale."

There wasn't the faintest breeze.

"Oh come on Genma, everyone knows the secret ingredient is a b—" the Toad Sage began before the Hokage kicked him hard.

"I suppose now that Nin-kame's stopped spinning you can ask him about the prophecy," she smiled sweetly at Tenten, motioning with a nod of her head at the turtle, who had come to a stop in a corner of the barn, his head still lolling about in dizziness from the sudden whirl around the floor.

Tenten and Neji approached Nin-Kame with caution. The turtle blinked up at them, "Ah, so the Dragon Warrior and the Terror of the Five Lands have met, and she has knocked him off his feet, and conquered him! I must congratulate you then, on your upcoming engagement!"

"EH?" the two looked at each other, then back at the turtle.

"Think of the Scroll as an early wedding present," the Hokage smirked at them, "That's pretty expensive you know. Inlaid with gold leaf, superior summoning properties and all that."

"Wait," Sasuke raised a hand, "We've been competing all this time… to be Neji's WIFE?"

The kung fu masters all recoiled. Deidara looked at Neji critically. "I'm prettier, un."

Genma shook his head.

"Actually, you've been competing all this time to be Tenten's HUSBAND. She's always been the Dragon Warrior," he flashed a much-handled old photograph of his darling daughter in a dragon embroidered silk pajama. She was grinning fiercely, balancing on one foot on top of Nin-kame, arms raised, hands drooping, in a pose no martial artist had ever utilized outside of bad kung fu parodies.

"Daaad!" Tenten shrieked. She didn't even want to know where he kept that photograph while in panda form.

"That cute picture of Tenten the Baby Dragon atop her Tortoise of Destiny won me a number of beauty contests back home in Turtle Mountain," Nin-kame said proudly, "I told Genma I'd put in a good word with the Hokage about finding a husband for his little girl as thanks, and he suggested that only a fighter who could hold the title of Terror of the Five Lands could balance out how utterly adorable the Dragon Warrior is."

"I made that title up on the spot," Genma said modestly, "Had a good ring to it."

"Oh," Tsunade took the picture, inspecting it, "So I got it all wrong. Well, I don't really remember much about that night when Nin-kame made the prophecy. I do recall Jiraiya'd brought over some pretty strong baijiu over to help discussions on what to do about the Hyuuga issue."

Jiraiya nodded, "Yeah, we got plenty drunk that night. Anyway, Neji was pretty badass at his age. Thought the title suited him fine."

"So it's an arranged marriage prophecy?" Deidara threw up his arms, unable to grasp the improbable premise. This was what happened when you relied on a talking reptile instead of logic to solve problems.

Kisame wrapped an arm around Tenten's shoulders companionably and levelled a smile at Neji full of sharp pointy teeth.

"All of us here are VERY well-qualified to deserve the title of Terror of the Five Lands, Hyuuga boy," he began.

"Except for the part where we turn into cuddly soft animals," Kakuzu added. Itachi hushed him.

"We won't challenge you for the title, so take care of our little teashop girl, ok? Tenten's had a crush on you since her Academy days, and if you ever make her sad you WILL regret it."

"KISAMEEEE!" Tenten shrieked even louder this time.

"Kiss you? Sure thing kid, been waiting for you to ask," the blue man puckered up and leaned down to plant a wet smooch on her.

Sasuke grumped as Tenten was once again forced to do battle to avoid the playful advances of an S-class martial artist, "So all this time I've been supposed to fight someone with a Rinnegan, not a Byakugan, to find out who has the better eye technique," he scowled at Itachi, who patted him indulgently on the head.

"It was highly entertaining to watch you train with Orochimaru though. What happened to him, by the way?"

Sasuke 'che'd', "Hell if I know." He attempted to fix his hair where Itachi had ruffled it.

"Oh, give it up, you look like a chicken when you're human, and now you can turn into an oversized chicken thanks to the Cursed Springs," Deidara said, "I'll explain it to you, Itachi-san. Then we can have a rematch, un? I still owe you for that time before."

Itachi nodded, smiling. Deidara scowled. If Tenten had grown up being around handsome Uchihas like Itachi regularly, it was no wonder she was unaffected by his own dashing good looks. And now… he glared for a moment at Neji, before turning back to Itachi.

"Well, as you know, Sasuke fell into the Cursed Spring of drowned emu. He was sparring with Orochimaru, who fell into the cursed spring of drowned snake, a rather fitting development for them both, un," Deidara said, "We travelled with them in their animal forms till we found Kakuzu and Hidan. Kakuzu taught us how to turn Orochimaru and Sasuke back into humans. We all decided to travel back here together to get some answers, since Kakuzu said you held regular sessions for the old Akatsuki who'd all been tricked into falling into the Cursed Springs by Jiraiya."

The Toad Sage had started laughing from the moment he'd heard of Orochimaru's curse. He laughed harder as the explanation went on.

"So?" Genma asked.

"So," Jiraiya interrupted, slapping his leg and gasping with laughter, "The bastard's too embarrassed to show himself in front of me, after all his arrogant boasting about being on the path to immortality and all that. He'll never live it down that he fell into a Cursed Spring I TRIED to tell him about years ago."

Tsunade sighed, shaking her head. "It is so hard babysitting that one. Always running after the younger boys."

Tobi let out a wretched groan suddenly, bored to tears with the topic. "Genma sir, Tobi is hungry and would like to have some of that soup. Number Five, was it?"

Genma quirked an eyebrow, but seemed to inwardly shrug, "Coming right up. If you'll follow me…"

The rest of them agreed amongst themselves that it was almost dinner after all and perhaps they could try that new secret, secret ingredient, filing quickly out of the barn, Naruto carrying an adorably unconscious seal in his arms. They left behind a flustered Dragon Warrior and Terror of the Five Lands, looking at everything around them except each other.

"Um," Tenten began, fidgeting, "Can you believe that? All this time, and you in prison, and they timed it just when you got out to send me to deliver them dim sum, and now we're supposed to – " she stopped babbling and looked at him, all earnest, "We don't HAVE to if you don't want to. Get married, that is."

"You don't want to?" Neji asked.

She gulped and glanced at him before looking away again quickly, "Not like THIS. THIS is just so- forced!"

"Maybe it's fate," he shrugged.

"There you go again!" she scowled at him, "Fate this! Destiny that! Why don't you make your own decision based on sound judgment and common sense?" She drew herself up, "I'll admit, I liked you back in the Academy, but I knew I had to follow my dream and become the best chef in China. I couldn't allow your negative outlook to bring me down, Neji. So, if you want to keep believing everything is pre-determined by fate and some turtle spouting prophecies… Well, good luck. You'll need it!"

Neji smiled faintly at her. He reached out and placed something in her hand.

"I get it now," he told her. "It's just as Genma said. We were meant to balance each other out." Tenten looked down and saw he had given back the Dragon Scroll.

He moved closer to her and took both her hands in his.

"I've decided, after listening to the Hokage and everyone's explanations. What they did to me remains unforgivable."

Tenten's eyes widened in shock.

Neji continued, "I'm not a good person Tenten. Not deep down. I did see a version of myself while I was unconscious, the person I might have been had my circumstances been different." He leaned forward to susurrate in her ear, "The vicissitudes and vagaries wrought by that liquescent potage are merely temporary."

Tenten gasped but his grip on her hands prevented her from moving. Neji gazed into her eyes. Appraising.

"I intend to find a cure for my family's curse. I will not destroy them while they are helpless, that would be pusillanimous and dishonorable I shall also wipe out the Uchiha. And wreak vengeance on the Hokage. They shall all taste my wrath and know despair."

She struggled but he held fast. "You're crazy!" she told him.

He smirked at her. Tenten couldn't help it. She blushed again, worse this time. Damn good looking bad boy.

"Try to stop me," he said.

Tenten frowned. "Why would you want me to?"

"Because," he inclined his head, "you can."

He loosened his hold, but Tenten didn't dare move with the way he was staring at her. Neji raised one hand to trace her lips with a thumb. "You are the first person to ever distract me from my plan of revenge, just by telling me your father was a panda. But even if he wasn't, you gave me the Dragon Scroll in exchange for listening to my story. You wanted to know my side, when everyone else was content to simply bury me in prison without regard of my holistic welfare."

"Neji," Tenten whispered, "They were just—I know it wasn't fair but—" she trailed off, not knowing what to say.

His fingers grazed the softness of her cheek, "It is a destiny of my own choosing I follow now. It is better to start anew, wipe clean the slate, destroy that which is obsolete. I see now the power to do this lies not without but within. By unlocking the complete secrets of the Byakugan, I will obliterate those that stand before me and true peace." He let her go completely and stepped away.

"Well?" he invited.

Tenten's face scrunched up. It was frustrating to see him smile like that, as if he were truly happy with his decision, and know he was such a villain. "How can I do that! By killing you? Or do you want more soup?" She considered running to get the Hokage and the rest of them, but knew she would be dead before she reached the door. "Neji!"

He held out his hand. "I am going away to train, Dragon Warrior. You can come with, or stay and await my return. Three years will be enough. I've assessed everyone's capabilities here, and will surpass them all in three years. Even the Hokage. I would enjoy a travelling companion and a sparring partner. I know you have no wish to fight, but our travels will bring us to places with new cuisine that may help you develop your own recipes and you could come back to overthrow your father's teashop."

Tenten gasped. It was as if he had spoken the magic words. "Overthrow—my dad…" She squeezed her hands together and tried to stop from jumping up and down. "You really think-?"

Neji looked away, calculatedly nonchalant. "I don't just think. I know. I have very good taste. Together, we could build a kung fu cooking empire."

"Wait right here," Tenten said.

.

* * *

.

The Dragon Scroll could indeed seal in a wondrous number of things. Tenten brought everything she needed to set up an ambulant noodle shop and left a note for her father to let him know she was embarking on a trip of self-discovery, and that she would find out her own secret ingredient for her own signature dish. She left a various number of things for her friends, rivals and customers.

For the Ramen House owners, she sent a decorative fan with the Lecheng Teahouse insignia. For Hinata, the old tea set Neji made. For Naruto, most of her girly clothes, and, for The Dawn, artfully designed hairbrushes to keep their coats sleek and shiny, including tiny toothbrushes for the dormice Kakuzu and Hidan. For the occupants of Hokage Mountain, a statement of account for food delivered and services rendered as delivery girl, cook and Dragon Warrior.

And so, the Dragon Warrior and Terror of the Five Lands left the Valley of Peace and ventured to carve out their own destiny together.

.

* * *

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A/N: Hope you enjoyed it. Wait, what's that? Evil!Neji wants an epilogue? He wants pages and pages of long-winded exposition that no one but Tenten could endure and remain sane? Well, that wordy little git can just go and stuff his vocabularolical mouthiness down his- - och! awch! waugh!

*groan*

apparently, dear readers, there is going to be an epilogue.


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